Fools gold Where's my money? Where the hell is it?!?!?!

Oh, hi there, didn't notice you. Nice watch. If you're wondering why I'm so upset just click the following link. I thought I was going to be rich, but it turns out, I'm not.

http://www.ifccfbi.gov/strategy/wn050822.asp

Seriously, how many old people are losing their life savings right now? I mean, old people with email accounts.

Old.  ¶ 7:03 AM 8 comments

  Broken Flowers Quick review: If you like movies with long silences, lengthy closeups of Bill Murray in thought, highway montages, and characters sitting around in uncomfortable quiet, then this is the movie for you.

If not, stay away

Rating: C+  ¶ 4:56 PM 0 comments

  Freddie? Click the following link at your own peril. And I'm not responsible for whatever clothing you may ruin when you throwup all over yourself.

http://abc.go.com/primetime/schedule/2005-06/freddie.html


Who was steering the car that drove the idea behind this mess? And Brian Austin Green? The commercial alone was enough to have me tasting eggs at 4 that I had eaten at 10.

I can't believe what passes for a sitcom these days. Is there one first-run comedy on TV right now that's worth it's weight in laughs? Only one on network TV and that's Arrested Development. And as great as that show is, it's not enough to tip the scales that are heavily weighed down by awful, awful crap. Scrubs deserves honorable mention, but I can't keep up with the 19 time slot changes and apparently neither could anybody else as it's become a midseason replacement.

John Ritter must be rolling over in his grave. TV comedy is almost as dead as he is. Not that his last sitcom was anything to write home about, but Three's Company heals all wounds.

Hell, I'd rather watch a revamped version of Three's Company with the original cast(complete with dug up Ritter) than sit down to watch a second of "Freddie".

And people complain about Reality TV? TV Comedy is on life support and Jason Bateman's holding the plug.  ¶ 2:43 PM 1 comments

  The new Green Day video is touching *points to heart* If you get a chance(I'm looking for a link as we speak), try and catch it.

Wake Me Up When September Ends is the name of the song BTW.

EDIT: Just head to MTV.COM and head to the videos section.  ¶ 2:57 PM 6 comments

  Useless information I'm crammed with it. I was cleaning up the babysitting room at the gym this morning and a song came on the television that sounded an awful lot like the song "Time To Change" which was featured in an episode of the Brady Bunch. I used to watch a lot of Brady Bunch as a kid, but I shouldn't know the lyrics to the entire song, should I?

Well, I do. I know the whole freakin song and I hate myself for it. Some people have some very interesting thoughts trapped inside their skulls and what the hell do I have?

Autumn turns to winter
and then winter turns to spring
It's not just for seasons you know
it goes for everything

It's even true for voices
when boys begin to grow
You've got to take a lesson from mother nature
and if you do you'll know

When it's time to change
then it's tim....

You see? That was all from my head...and I'm pretty sure it's all spot on. So's the rest of it if I were to go that far.

Can I cry yet?  ¶ 11:18 AM 0 comments

  Do I know you? So I work at a gym and that's enough background information to start this story off. During every shift I periodically check on the condition of the bathroom(men and women's) which includes a quick glance at the floor, a paper towel check, and a toilet paper check. Anyway, the other day as I'm checking the stalls for rolls of toilet paper(to make sure they have them), some random guy says to me, "Checkin' for queers?"

Was that wrong of him? Should I have laughed or given him a high five? At what point did he think that was funny? What if I were gay? What if I were the gayest man to ever walk the planet?

Every shift I speak with a ton of people and some I talk to for more than a minute. The bathroom commentator is not one of them. Those were his first words to me...ever. Shouldn't you know a person or feel the situation out before revealing THAT side of your personality?

Just wondering. Because it just didn't seem like our relationship had advanced to that point and I'm worried that maybe, it's just me.  ¶ 10:56 AM 2 comments

  *fap* *fap* goose Not that I'm trying to pry here, but have any of you been incredibly horny this week? And for those of you nodding "yes", is it more than usual? Just wondering because twice in the past week I've caught a man pleasuring himself in public. Granted they were both retarded, but still, after three years of working in the field it's the first time I've ever seen it.

Just wondering...

To be honest, between the stress of finding work, my stupid car troubles, and the upcoming semester, I've been as horny as a percussion section. So I'm not the best judge of "out of the ordinary" horniness at the moment. Why did I quote "out of the ordinary"? I don't know.

And for those of you who think that stumbling upon a man mastubating is all glitz and glamour, it's not. It's actually really, really weird.  ¶ 10:39 AM 2 comments

  Best Month Over For two reasons. One, I fell too many days back to want to write about last Thursday and even if I did, it would be watered down and rushed. Two, the concept is better as a reality than as a blog. The change of attitude has done me well the past three weeks, but I've found myself avoiding this blog because I just couldn't bring myself to want to begin writing about Day 12.

Plus, the only blog more creatively restricting on the net' is that Angry Chad one. No wonder I had to read the word "Chip-tople" for two weeks straight. How do you do it, man?

Anyway, I promise to never let my blog become anything other than the random mess it was always intended to be.

And THAT'S a promise I can keep.


Dana Plato.  ¶ 10:34 AM 2 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 11 Day 11: Tuesday

I woke up, packed for Block Island(arrangements had been made to spend a couple of days there), got ready for my interview, and sat around the house in a suit for a couple of minutes waiting for Kristen to wake up. She drove me to the interview and gave me a quick kiss for luck as I left the car. A blowjob and a body massage wouldn't have been enough to save the disaster of an interview that followed. I was fine until I sat down with the Principal, one of their elementary art teachers, and a random music teacher. At that point, they spent 30 seconds rummaging through papers and in that 30 seconds I forgot why I was even there. I'm serious. I totally blanked and I was incredibly aware of it at the time. The first ten minutes involved each of the three asking questions and me staring out the window hoping for the world to end. I was amazingly conscious of how bad it was going and I couldn't make it stop. Around the ten minute mark we were all confused and at that point, somebody laughed for some reason and it eased the awkwardness that was oozing out of my every pore. During the last 20 minutes I relaxed and reverted to my normal charming self. I answered questions with ease and not only did I answer them, I answered them better than I thought I could have. Despite all of that, I'm sure I won't be getting the job because of the incredibly huge hole I dug for myself during the first ten minutes of that interview.

It's funny, normally I'd be replaying the interview in my mind all day long, agonizing over every single mistake and kicking myself over them, but I'm not. I actually find it quite hilarious that I was so incredibly awful. I've NEVER had such a horrible interview before(If you ask me, I don't think I've ever even had a bad interview), but those first ten minutes were death. With Block Island immediately after the interview I guess it was easy to distract myself from the trainwreck, but even tonight, as I write this, I smile a little thinking about how bad I choked.

We made the 4 O'clock ferry to New London and caught the 5:40 ferry from New London to Block Island. My aunt was at the dock to greet us and drove us to the the house she had rented. It was the cutest little country house, but so is every other house on Block Island. I have never been there before, but it's really a charmed location. We ate dinner at a restaurant whos name escapes me at the moment, took a stroll around the pier, lost track of time and sat around talking about nothing until midnight. I slipped into bed around 12:15 and didn't fall asleep for over an hour. The island was so quiet it was disturbing. I could hear people talking down the block when normally that conversation would be drowned by the hum of the highway and a million other sounds I've sadly grown accustom to.  ¶ 5:36 PM 2 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 10 Day 10: Monday

Garfield hates mondays, but Garfield is a terribly unfunny comic strip so I make it a point to enjoy them in protest. In the morning I took out my friend Joseph(his mom pays me 15 dollars an hour to hang out with him. She offered 20, but I felt awful charging anything to begin with), and played Laser Tag for the first time in ten years. Joseph, handicap and all, proved to be quite the competitor and although I won(TAKE THAT FOOL!), we had quite the one on one at the O.K. Corral(if the O.K. Corral were a green and red fluorescent tronnish ripoff). I also drove a bumper car for the first time in a while, and while I rocked Joseph around, got pwned myself by a group of giggling girls(all under the age of 10).

Work was work, and looking forward to an interview I had on Tuesday, spent the rest of the night rotating between my Froglock Mage(now a level 6) and staring out the window longingly.  ¶ 5:31 PM 0 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 9 Day 9: Sunday

Kristen wakes me up at 7:15 asking if I want to catch the 8am ferry because the crowded boat cabin is hot and none of us could get some sleep. Her friend Heather slept over, but not before she messed around with a guy she didn't even like at 9pm(what a difference 5 hours makes). We all head home, I grab an egg sandwich(hours after a hamburger and I feel sick), and fall asleep until one.

At one, all beached out, we decide to drive to the Cheesecake Factory which we have been putting off for at least 2 years. We always talk about going, but the drive, combined with the incredibly long waits that are par for the place, always change our mind. Anyway, we go, the food is great, but the waiter takes great offense(is it offence?), to our wanting every portion of the meal bagged. We never bag appetizers, but the nacho plate was so big, and so good, that I figured it would be just the thing to heat up around 11pm(eating during Seinfeld is a good thing, right?). When he came back with the nachos bagged he tossed them from a great height and they came crashing down with the weight of a thousand babies. I decided at that point to take a buck off the tip, but later on forgot about it when he proved to be rather charming during Kristen's cheesecake selection. I hate cheesecake because it tastes like cheesecake.

I picked up Everquest 2 before dinner and spent the rest of the night rotating between my Froglock mage and cleaning the room.  ¶ 5:22 PM 2 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 8 This entry is written almost a week removed from day number eight and while that may leave for some vague details, I'm not a filthy, filthy pothead so it shouldn't be too bad.

Day 8:Saturday

I made arrangements for someone else to work my 7am-10am shift. It was the first day of the English Premier League and Manchester United was actually going to be playing live on Fox Soccer Channel and being the idiot I am, I couldn't just tape it and watch it later. I sit through the game, a victory, hit the bank, treat my brother to breakfast, watch another EPL game(Liverpool/Middlesbrough), let my brother talk me into wanting Everquest 2, and was ABOUT to watch a third EPL game when the stupid channel flashed the score(the game had been played hours earlier) and ruined it for me. Why would Fox Soccer Channel flash the score of a game they haven't aired yet? That makes no sense to me.

So by 3 o'clock, thanks to some idiocy on the part of FSC, I had my life back. No longer mentally chained to English football, I was free to play Winning Eleven 8 until it was time to take the ferry over to Fire Island. Kristens father has a boat there and every year, during August, they have a huge fireworks display. Oddly enough, they don't do jack for the Fourth of July. Anyway, I run into one of the two people I actually enjoy talking to from high school, drink a bit, watch the fireworks(a really crummy display BTW...worst I've seen in three years from them), hit the bar, get annoyed with one too many obnoxious drunks, buy a hamburger and fall asleep on page 202 of "Among the Thugs".  ¶ 5:13 PM 0 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 7 Day 7 has just hit 12:21pm and if it weren't for a buzz happy barber, this entry wouldn't have even been thought about until sometime tomorrow. But as it were...

How, you say, can my ears seem any bigger? Easy. BUZZCUT MY ENTIRE HEAD!

About an hour ago I walked into the local barber shoppe(shoh pee) and took a seat next to the three men who had, from the looks of it, been waiting all morning for a haircut. I didn't even get a chance to pop the top on my sugar free Red Bull when the spanisher of the two barbers asked if I wanted a haircut. The others were all waiting on the balder of the two barbers so, guilt free, I skipped ahead and onto the chair.

"What do you like me to do today?" he said.

"Um, uh, just go shorter, but not so much shorter that my head seems shaved."

"buh? he said.

"Cut the hair (I made a circular motion above my head) up here shorter and go a bit shorter on the sides. But I don't want it to look shaved."

"And the front you want longer?" he said.

"No. That's okay. It always curls up on me and then I'm like (I pretend to supress the curls near the front of my face) or like (I pretend to push the curls back towards the rear of my head)."

"Ah(he chuckles)," he said.

Ten seconds later....Woosh. A razor, I'm guessing at a number 2 clip, shoots right back from the top of my forehead to the base of my spine. I would link you to a picture of "Hawk"(R.I.P) from the Legion of Doom(AKA: Road Warriors), but I'm to lazy. Needless to say, for those who can picture it, I looked just like that. It was not, as they say, a rush.

But, questioning everything I might've said to the barber, I let him finish(the entire time debating whether or not I had instructed him to remove all signs of hair). Plus, what was I going to say after the middle strip of my scalp was removed? To top it off I still tipped him the usual, or MY usual, and left him none the wiser.

Anyway, it'll grow back. It's not THAT bad. But still, I feel like Tom Cruise in "Minority Report" or worse..Pauly Shore in "In the Army Now". The real bitch of it is that I was always saving my first head shaving for if and when a family member got cancer. I've always admired people who do that. It's um, supportive....or something.  ¶ 9:21 AM 5 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 6 It occurred to me, while writing Day's 1 and 2 of my ill planned "Best Month Ever" blogger project, that it might get incredibly repetitive and boring. Writing about mundane, trivial events(and worse, READING about them) might be the worst thing this world has to offer(besides Cameron Diaz). But, I foolishly figured, that if I spiced the posts up with a bit o' comedy and kept em' fresh, that it might be an enjoyable experience for all involved.

I was wrong. Oh well...

Day 6: Did this, did that. Ate this, ate that. Ten minutes of cornfilled stoolage(I'll never forget where I came from) and at some point I went to bed.  ¶ 9:16 AM 2 comments

  Random thought There have been many annoying characters in television history (Buddy Lembeck, Eddie Haskell, Cousin Oliver, Screech), but one has always pissed me off and it wasn't until today that I figured out why.

How come Bluto, from Popeye, is always just considered to be a bully? Think about it. How freakin annoying would it be to come home from work to, once again, find that your girlfriend has been kidnapped or harrassed. What the hell was that assholes problem? Time after time Popeye would whoop him and that idiot would continue to try and steal his girlfriend. In the hood, that kind of shit would get you shot. I'm just saying.....

At least Buddy Lembeck was the type of idiot you could dead leg and he'd stop. Bluto was annoying AND persistent.  ¶ 5:48 PM 0 comments

  Best Month Ever: Day 5 "Evar" will from now on revert to its less internetty form of "ever". My girlfriend was asking too many questions and I didn't have any answers that were good enough for her.

Anyway, on to day 5

1000am: Wake up,(although I've got to start waking up earlier...I'm going to bed late enough, but this 10 am business is starting to make me feel....bummy?), watch the Dawson's Creek finale(which was a complete disappointment and that's saying something), and eat a lowfat muffin(that must've been made of glue, blueberries, and dough because it was sticking to the tips of my fingers). Enough parenthesis for ya?
1200pm: Hit the gym. An hour of cardio, minimal weights. It was supposed to be my off day, but Saturday brings the EPL with it and I know I won't be thinking about the gym once I'm glued to the many, many games.
100pm: Dick around, eat Tuna fish(again), write the basic outline of my South Park script that will be entered to the next Scriptapalooza contest. It will win. It's got Bob Vila, Caricatures of the Extreme Home Makeover Team (one of them is Mr. Slave's cousin), and Jesus taking flack for being a crappy carpenter(they expect more from the son of one).
300pm: Go to work, do my job, nothing unusual about the shift. Well, unless you count the absence of many, many stories about double teaming girls and lingerie parties.

Most nights I work with a guy who is from a totally different world then I, most of us actually, am from. I've heard some of the most sordid sex stories (some which use the word "train" as a verb instead of a noun) that any man will ever hear. A few months ago he supposedly "shared" his cousins girlfriend while his cousin was in the next room. I was shocked over the total lack of respect to a family member, but he said that his cousin was the one who told him to do it. ANd while most of us consider a side dish to be something that accompanies and entree, he considers it to be one of the many girls that he sleeps with on the side(the man tells me every night that he is "loyal" to his "girl"). I've got to get this man a dictionary.

800pm: RIGHT NOW. Chicken Kabobs and Corn(one of which I have to start barbecuing...Kristen is tapping her feet in the kitchen as I type).

Oh well, that's day 5 down and unless something miraculous happens in the next 4 hours, this is the last you'll hear of it.  ¶ 5:07 PM 2 comments

  Best Month Evar: Days 3 and 4 I'm combining days (again) because the schedule was basically the same.

1000am:Wake up, eat oatmeal, watch Dawsons Creek
1115am: Hit the gym(Actual workout averages an hour and a half...the rest is bullshitting with people I know)
130pm: Shower after gym, eat lunch (tuna/celery/PEPPER), dick around
300pm: Work with the boys. We go bowling, eat at Mcdonalds(not me), and read at Barnes and Noble(I read. They just kind of stare off into space).
800pm: Off of work, get home, check internet, dick around, TV (no videogames for some reason).
1200am(Tuesday only): Watch History of Manchester United video to get me ready for start of the EPL this Saturday.

The Best Month Evar has quickly hit a wall, but hope is not lost for optimal calenderificnous. We've still got 27 days to top any other month evar.

Plus, the daily TBS repeats of Dawsons Creek have finally circled around to the series finale which will (I'm guessing) be on tomorrow at 1000am. And no best ANYTHING would be complete without that.  ¶ 6:09 PM 0 comments

  WTF is right I'm sorry. I've posted this all over the place today, but it kills me everytime I hear it. Anyone familiar with the Ducktales theme song should get a chuckle at least.

http://uncutohh.ytmnd.com/

It's just....wow. The wacky translation is probably what puts it over the top. When they get to the "bake a cake" part and the guy is giving it his all, I just die.

I honestly haven't laughed like this in a while and I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.  ¶ 6:03 PM 1 comments

  Pepper rocks Pepper on eggs, pepper steak, pepper in tuna, Dr. Pepper, pepper on macaroni salad (the way Kristen's mom makes it), pepper on pizza, pepper...oni?

Yeah, pepper pwns salt.

BTW, I heard that if you take a fingerful of tobasco sauce up the butt it will result in an allnight erection. Just a helpful hint. Always trying to help. You know me.  ¶ 6:52 PM 3 comments

  Best Month Evar: Days 1 and 2 Late Friday night I decided that this past Saturday was going to be the start of the best month evar. While I can't gaurantee that the next 31 days are going to result in an amazing run of luck or memories that will last a life time, I can gaurantee that I will consider it the best month evar until the last second of the 31st day. It's all in the walk, right?

Anyway, Since days one and two both consisted of family (her's) barbecues, I'm going to lump the both of them into one post (although I'm counting them as two different days as the rest of the world must've).

DAY(s) 1 and 2:

Saturday: Woke up at 6:30, ate a half toasted (was in a rush) Lite English Muffin and opened the gym by 7. Regular people, regular music, regular shift. Worked out afterwards and signed up for a spin class, which would be my first, scheduled for 8:30 Sunday morning. I have been spinning by myself for the past three weeks, but taking crap from people (my aunt mainly) about not being a "real" spinner. "Real" spinners, apparently, are people who spin during a class taught by an instructor. Fair enough. I signed up for a class with an instructor that I know pretty well. I've heard good things about her class and she's a damn funny lass to boot.

Oh, for those of you who don't know. Spinning is the most addictive form of cardio there is on this planet. Basically it's an ordinary stationary bike, but in place of a wheel is a fifty pound weight. You sweat your ass off over the course of an hour and for some reason, want to get back on the bike the minute you get off (the bike, you perverts).

By 4 O'Clock I was at Kristen's fathers BBQ and past all of the hellos and how are yous. Of course, I'm the only one over 16 in the pool and Kristens cousin Scott and I engage in a spirited game of pool basketball. I "Shaqed" my way to victory 11-5. Sometimes a 30-40 lb. weight differential can be a good thing. We eat. We play horseshoes. We leave.

UFC is on at 9 and while Kristen nods off (encouraged by nagging tooth pain), I stay up and watch. While it wasn't the best night of fights I've seen, it was still UFC and as I've come to find out, UFC kicks ass. Now that they are on "free" TV they are going to blow up. I was never a big fan of Mixed Martial Arts, but that's only because I didn't know what I was missing. From the four or so events I've seen, UFC is just hands down better than anything that boxing has to offer. If they had offered their programming over free TV before now, they would be huge. I don't know what they were thinking going with this all PPV thing for as long as they did. SUCK US IN BEFORE you start charging us! As it is, expect it to catch on. It's just THAT good. I've seen 7 knockouts in three weeks. I think I've seen that from boxing in ten years (but I do miss watching the men hug). Plus, the fights are just so intense and every single one of the fighters I've seen has shown tremendous heart (even when getting kneed in the face).

I fell asleep around 12:30. Was it the best start to the best month evar? No, but it wasn't bad either.

Sunday: Woke up at 7:45, decided that I didn't feel like getting up and missed the spin class. Oh well, next Sunday. REALLY woke up at 10:00am. Got dressed and ready to head out to Kristen's nephews baptism. He cried the entire time, but I couldn't blame him. He was dressed up like some little prince of a Northern European country circa 1650. The kids cute, but I couldn't pull that outfit off even if I shaved my legs (and I've got great legs). Anyway, another BBQ, but this one includes a 12 team (24 man) horseshoe tournament and I am partnered up with some guy I don't know (who turned out to be a seriously nice guy BTW...looked just like Ethan Hawke too).

BACKSTORY: For the past three years I've kind of been the butt of the jokes as far as backyard horseshoes is concerned. I started playing with Kristens family (all seasoned veterans of the game) and sucked for an entire summer. Last summer, I wasn't so bad, but I wasn't so good either. It wasn't until my brother got fired from his job for fighting with his boss that anyone even bothered to show me how to throw one correctly (we had a lot of time to kill during the day). Anyway, by the end of last summer I was halfway decent, but couldn't climb out of the pile of jokes that were still being rained down on top of me from Kristens entire horseshoe playing family.

Well, guess freakin what. Me and my partner, after an 11-2 loss in the first round of a double elimination tournament, ended up going to the finals where we got beat by Kristens father(a great horseshoer) and his partner 11-7. We beat a lot of guys who brought a WHOLE lot of trashtalk, we beat Kristen's sisters husband (who has done his share of dumping on me), and I couldn't have been happier with the way the tourney turned out. Especially, once the compliments started to replace the jokes around Round 3.

Just want to add that every single joke that's been thrown at me has been lighthearted and in good fun, but it was still nice to stop the comedy. It was nice to get some sort of respect after three years of being snickered at. I am shoe.

We headed home only to find out that VH1's reality shows were all repeats for the evening and circled around for something else to do for a couple of hours. We stopped circling right around 11:30 when we both fell asleep (but not before I played a quick game of Winning Eleven).

The Best Month Evar has started to show the potential to live up to it's name. I'll write about today tomorrow...wrestling's coming on.  ¶ 11:31 AM 8 comments

  But I was gonna wear a condom!... ...is going to go down as the line of the summer of 2005. We have most of August left, but I can safely assume that nothing anyone, even any of YOU, say will top it.

Anyway, the backstory is in this post entry by my darling girlfriend Kristen http://specialk5663.blogspot.com/2005/08/this-weekend-my-friend-heather-and-her.html

Basically, her friend's boyfriend had planned a trip to Amsterdam for the first week of August (he's there now) and it was agreed upon by her friend and him that while he was there he could do whatever he wanted to do.

And let's face it, half of the reason ANYONE goes to Amsterdam is to smoke weed legally. The other half? Whores. Lots of whores.

So the "whores" part is where this gets interesting. Apparently she had given him the ok to partake in the pleasures of the red light district and gave him the big thumbs up to go window shopping for some good old fashioned whores. Cut to a month later and she starts to feel like maybe that wasn't the best idea and tells him so. She tells him that she feels really close to him and seeing as how they've gotten serious that she would rather him not bang a whore (or twelve).

His response(and winner for line of the summer of 2005)?

"BUT I WAS GONNA WEAR A CONDOM!

I know a lot of people long for the days where movies cost a nickel, families ate dinner together and firemen pulled cats down out of trees, but I, for one, am glad to know that there are still some true gentlemen left on this rotting planet.

Well, wouldn't you know it (and I freakin CALLED it), two days before he's set to leave he starts picking fights with her and one of them leads to the both of them deciding to call it quits.

Ten bucks that he calls her the second he gets back and "swears" that he was thinking about her the entire time he was there (so much so, that he couldn't squeeze in a few whores during his stay). And what do I say to that?

At least he was gonna wear a condom.  ¶ 8:28 AM 6 comments

  Among the Thugs I've read the first 30 pages on the toilet (seperate sittings) and it's already proven to be a great purchase. It's about the hooliganism of the European soccer fan(circa early 80's) and the author, so far, has described every event, person, and gross detail so vividly, it makes Tolkien's description of Lothlorien seem like a half assed summary of a crappy forest.

I may be the target audience for this book (as my fascination with European Football continues to peak), but it's a great read for anyone interested in grizzly characters and "actual" real life ones at that. Go to amazon and read the reviews, they'll go into more detail than I'm going to do. This is just a heads up.

Oh, and I keep all of my books in pristine condition. I'm talking healthy spines, no bent pages, no weird circular beverage container stains...nothing. But I'm just dying to ding this book up! It reads and looks like a book that should be filthy, bent to hell, and spit on. It should probably smell a little too.

Either way, pick it up or don't, it won't make the loss of my beta, "Creama", any easier to deal with.  ¶ 7:31 PM 0 comments

  Spunk Farm If you spend a Friday night with Kristen and I you will most likely be surrounded by some greasy food (tonight it was pizza), an awful toothache(what else is new, Kris?), and eventually 20/20. Kris is addicted to the show. She's a sucker for that mustached moron John Stossel (sp..although I don't care). Anyway, tonight I was treated to a two for one as we happened to catch Dateline BEFORE 20/20 came on (Huzzah!)!

Which leads me to this rant which may or may not include punctuation or capital letters....

CAN WE ALL PLEASE GET PAST THE SHOCKING FACT THAT THE INTERNET IS FULL OF PORNO? Tonight, yet another "disturbing" story of how porno has invaded the homes of middle America and a bunch of people that have been greatly offended.

Long story short: A mom in the middle of nowhere opened up a random email and it linked her to a picture of a girl fucking a horse (or a dog...they blurred the link). Not content to just close the link and get on with her middle of nowhere life, she felt the need to call 20/20 and share her outrage with the show. As luck would have it, 20/20 was just itching to do another "internet porno no no" type of segment and jumped on the story. They traced the email back further and further and further until they found the person who had sent it and in the end the sender apologized. Still, the segment was intercut with the woman and her friends whining about how porno has invaded their homes through the internet (note to offended mom: check your husband's bottom drawer for WAY worse). Don't hold me to this quote but one shocked mom was upset about how the internet and pornography was corrupting our youth. Hey lady, without it, your dumb kid would be spanking it to the underwear section in the Sears Christmas Catalogue..trust me, I know.

Is there anything else to say to these people other than don't open random emails or don't use the internet? That's why I have a junk mail filter you stupid offended mom!

Oh, and as we speak John Stossel is trying see if professional artists give the thumbs up to a bunch of finger paintings painted by 4 year olds. He's trying to be clever, but this segment was played out ten years ago...is it his stupid voice that's supposed to be funny? And wasn't this the basis for an entire episode of Full House?

Have mercy!  ¶ 7:16 PM 2 comments

  I want to be a dentist. I can't stand radio stations or people that are amused by a Sir Mix-A-Lot reference and I really can't stand when I hear that song he is famous for either. I love it when someone gets the vaguest of references and I don't come off looking like a weirdo. I can't stand it when the person in front of you could've turned nine times already and yet you are both stuck waiting to leave the same parking lot. I love it when my dog shows me how smart he is and even more amazing is that he understands some of the words we speak (Sit? I will never understand a damn thing he barks, yet he can grasp sit?). I love waking up at 10am and watching really awful Dawson's Creek episodes, yet hate the feeling afterwards when I realize how much of my life I'm wasting doing so. I'm also not fond of the cringe inducing dialogue the writers crammed down the actors throats on the show either, yet the phrase "cramming down throats" and the image of Katie Holmes works for me. I am not a Scientologist and I have no real objections to people who are. Although I probably should for some reason.

I hate how I'm ready for work twenty minutes before I have to be, yet when the time to leave comes I have like 19 things I have to do (one of which is always finding my car keys).

I love rainy days. I hate rainy days. Hate is a strong word, but I'm tired of using weak words like tired.

This is what happens when you don't have internet access for a few days and blog too fast....  ¶ 11:24 AM 0 comments

  Snapple Cap "Real Fact" #193 The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won't happen again until 6009.

I can't freakin wait...  ¶ 11:23 AM 0 comments