The 'wack Off
Monday, March 27, 2006
Garfield is a crappy strip, but...
...Jim Davis is right about two things.
1. Lasagna is great.
2. Mondays suck.
If I have to yell at one more 13 year old (and I shouldn't...gym class is over), I'm going to skip past the yelling part and get straight to the beating part and I will not be pulling punches.
Six gym classes in 8 periods, all of them full of sarcasm and pep, contributed to my current frustration level and the fact that I've lost my voice.
Plus, for some reason I've lost at EVERYTHING I've played this weekend whether it be tennis, Ghost Recon, or NCAA 2k6. If it weren't for the two games I won in basketball (online), I'd wonder if I had some hand eye coordination disease.
One things for sure...I'm not playing the lottery tonight. ¶ 1:13 PM 3 comments
1. Lasagna is great.
2. Mondays suck.
If I have to yell at one more 13 year old (and I shouldn't...gym class is over), I'm going to skip past the yelling part and get straight to the beating part and I will not be pulling punches.
Six gym classes in 8 periods, all of them full of sarcasm and pep, contributed to my current frustration level and the fact that I've lost my voice.
Plus, for some reason I've lost at EVERYTHING I've played this weekend whether it be tennis, Ghost Recon, or NCAA 2k6. If it weren't for the two games I won in basketball (online), I'd wonder if I had some hand eye coordination disease.
One things for sure...I'm not playing the lottery tonight. ¶ 1:13 PM 3 comments
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Overheard in a kindergarten classroom
"Mrs.****! Mrs. ****! James said he's going to punch me in the neck!"- 3 foot tall would-be victim
Yikes! If the kindergartners are already focusing on the neck, the third graders must be well into crotch rocking by now! ¶ 5:18 AM 0 comments
Yikes! If the kindergartners are already focusing on the neck, the third graders must be well into crotch rocking by now! ¶ 5:18 AM 0 comments
Unsent Letter: Tom Cruise
Dear Mr. Cruise,
Jumping on a fat woman's couch? Pointing a finger and exposing the glibness of a balding morning talk show host? I'm willing to put all of that behind us because your zest for life and your fragile grasp on the concept of "cool" somehow makes you...very, very cool.
Yesterday, I overheard another conversation (sparked by a trashy supermarket tabloid) between two women and apparently, Mr. Tom, neither one is ever going to pay to see one of your movies again (but, in her defense, the fat one looked like a lil' closet pirate anyways). Still, I find their lack of faith deserving and at the very least, they owe you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, you were the coolest back in the early 80s when Risky Business and Top Gun were soaring through the theaters. It's not your fault, that in retrospect, the windmill high five is incredibly uncool and how were you supposed to know that half-nude sock sliding was going to peak with your performance?
Anyways, I just wanted to show some support and let you know that I will be the first one on line for MI3. People think you are crazy because you're a Scientologist, but that's because they're overlooking the fact that you were probably nuts WAY before you ever joined that cult.
Still a fan,
kerowack
P.S. If anyone ever doubts your sanity again, show them the picture I've included with the letter. It won't change their mind, but it's a pretty awesome shot. ¶ 5:02 AM 0 comments
Dear Mr. Cruise,
Jumping on a fat woman's couch? Pointing a finger and exposing the glibness of a balding morning talk show host? I'm willing to put all of that behind us because your zest for life and your fragile grasp on the concept of "cool" somehow makes you...very, very cool.
Yesterday, I overheard another conversation (sparked by a trashy supermarket tabloid) between two women and apparently, Mr. Tom, neither one is ever going to pay to see one of your movies again (but, in her defense, the fat one looked like a lil' closet pirate anyways). Still, I find their lack of faith deserving and at the very least, they owe you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, you were the coolest back in the early 80s when Risky Business and Top Gun were soaring through the theaters. It's not your fault, that in retrospect, the windmill high five is incredibly uncool and how were you supposed to know that half-nude sock sliding was going to peak with your performance?
Anyways, I just wanted to show some support and let you know that I will be the first one on line for MI3. People think you are crazy because you're a Scientologist, but that's because they're overlooking the fact that you were probably nuts WAY before you ever joined that cult.
Still a fan,
kerowack
P.S. If anyone ever doubts your sanity again, show them the picture I've included with the letter. It won't change their mind, but it's a pretty awesome shot. ¶ 5:02 AM 0 comments
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Unsent Letter: Bill Beutel
Dear Mr. Beutel,
As a kid, my mother watched Eyewitness News religiously and every day, whether I was playing with Superhero toys or drawing another picture, I sprawled across the livingroom floor and listened to your voice. I don't think I payed much attention to the actual news itself (to this day I'm not sure if I really do), but I did hear you. I can still hear you today.
Thank you for always being there for me and in my opinion, you are "the" newscaster/anchor of my generation. You rule.
My mother and I will miss you,
kerowack
P.S. Thanks again.
Bill Beutel 1930-2006 ¶ 8:04 PM 0 comments
Dear Mr. Beutel,
As a kid, my mother watched Eyewitness News religiously and every day, whether I was playing with Superhero toys or drawing another picture, I sprawled across the livingroom floor and listened to your voice. I don't think I payed much attention to the actual news itself (to this day I'm not sure if I really do), but I did hear you. I can still hear you today.
Thank you for always being there for me and in my opinion, you are "the" newscaster/anchor of my generation. You rule.
My mother and I will miss you,
kerowack
P.S. Thanks again.
Bill Beutel 1930-2006 ¶ 8:04 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Lunch Lady Land
I just taught three straight GYM classes with a packed bladder. I bet you never stopped to think how many times one of your teachers had to go to the bathroom, but was unable to do so. It's happened to me four times in just under two years and it's the worst. Especially when one of them asks to go to the bathroom and you watch them leave. I've never been so jealous.
But the cool thing is today I got the "behind the scenes" tour of the cafeteria at one of the elementary schools. They have hamburgers as far as the eye can see and pretzels piled so high the salt showers down like hail! Plus, those lunch ladies are the most awesome people in the school...They were amused with my fascination.
Anyway...I've got nothing. ¶ 11:52 AM 4 comments
But the cool thing is today I got the "behind the scenes" tour of the cafeteria at one of the elementary schools. They have hamburgers as far as the eye can see and pretzels piled so high the salt showers down like hail! Plus, those lunch ladies are the most awesome people in the school...They were amused with my fascination.
Anyway...I've got nothing. ¶ 11:52 AM 4 comments
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Venting
As a substitute teacher in the same school district over the last year and a half, I feel I've built up a solid reputation based on good word of mouth and a couple of days where I've impressed the other teacher in the classroom (some classes require two teachers these days). That's why I'm pissed off right now and hoping that I'm in the same building tomorrow.
A month or so ago, I subbed for a math teacher who left a crappy set of plans on her desk and a short list of directions. The list said, "Take attendance, teach kids probabability, hand out worksheet, go over worksheet". Simple enough, but a nightmare when you realize that you have to introduce a new subject to a classroom full of students hungry to attack a substitute.
Anyway, I was only in two of her classes that day (The principal was "nice" enough to fill my breaks with classes that weren't supposed to be mine) and thought that, for the most part, I did what I had to do. While both classes were horribly behaved and the review was atrocious, I introduced the lesson clearly and the students that DID listen, understood what I was saying. It's all of the ones that didn't that screwed up the review. Cut to the chase, most of the students wasted their time (and mine) and I was happy to be done with them (and to think, those periods were supposed to be my free ones).
Fast forward to today, and some kid in the hallway comes up to me and says, "Mr. G! Mrs. ******** said you did a bad job with our class and that you must not have tried very hard."
Well, FUCK Mrs. ********. I busted my ass trying to teach those ungrateful 7th graders probablity and despite referrals and constant reminders to stop fooling around, those two classes didn't want to listen. And for those of you who haven't subbed before, a classroom like that is NOT uncommon. In my experience, those crazy classrooms are only fueled with the knowledge that their regular teacher isn't going to do JACK FREAKIN SQUAT if they behave that way, so they sure as hell aren't going to listen to a substitute. I've subbed long enough to know that it's not me that's the problem. I'm good. Damn good.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is FUCK Mrs. ******** and her attempt to sully my reputation. I just hope (and it's been a month so it's unlikely) that she hasn't said anything to any of the other teachers who I've come to know. To be fair, there were three other subsitutes teaching her classes that day so the idiot kid who came up to me could have turned a broad comment into something more personal. But until I talk to her (tomorrow hopefully), I won't know that.
Still, I hope she didn't direct the comment at me personally, because I'll tell her the same things I've included in this post (except the FUCK parts). ¶ 11:11 AM 7 comments
A month or so ago, I subbed for a math teacher who left a crappy set of plans on her desk and a short list of directions. The list said, "Take attendance, teach kids probabability, hand out worksheet, go over worksheet". Simple enough, but a nightmare when you realize that you have to introduce a new subject to a classroom full of students hungry to attack a substitute.
Anyway, I was only in two of her classes that day (The principal was "nice" enough to fill my breaks with classes that weren't supposed to be mine) and thought that, for the most part, I did what I had to do. While both classes were horribly behaved and the review was atrocious, I introduced the lesson clearly and the students that DID listen, understood what I was saying. It's all of the ones that didn't that screwed up the review. Cut to the chase, most of the students wasted their time (and mine) and I was happy to be done with them (and to think, those periods were supposed to be my free ones).
Fast forward to today, and some kid in the hallway comes up to me and says, "Mr. G! Mrs. ******** said you did a bad job with our class and that you must not have tried very hard."
Well, FUCK Mrs. ********. I busted my ass trying to teach those ungrateful 7th graders probablity and despite referrals and constant reminders to stop fooling around, those two classes didn't want to listen. And for those of you who haven't subbed before, a classroom like that is NOT uncommon. In my experience, those crazy classrooms are only fueled with the knowledge that their regular teacher isn't going to do JACK FREAKIN SQUAT if they behave that way, so they sure as hell aren't going to listen to a substitute. I've subbed long enough to know that it's not me that's the problem. I'm good. Damn good.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is FUCK Mrs. ******** and her attempt to sully my reputation. I just hope (and it's been a month so it's unlikely) that she hasn't said anything to any of the other teachers who I've come to know. To be fair, there were three other subsitutes teaching her classes that day so the idiot kid who came up to me could have turned a broad comment into something more personal. But until I talk to her (tomorrow hopefully), I won't know that.
Still, I hope she didn't direct the comment at me personally, because I'll tell her the same things I've included in this post (except the FUCK parts). ¶ 11:11 AM 7 comments
Monday, March 06, 2006
And the Oscar goes to...
...the wrong movie. Brokeback Mountain deserved best picture and having seen the movie that won the award, I can say that without any hesitation. Had Capote won, or Good Night and Good Luck, I would've had to keep my mouth shut, but since I have seen Crash, I can say what I want.
I had an analogy for Brokeback Mountain and how badly it got screwed, but I'll save it for when the kids are asleep.
Oh, and I like my Academy awards stuffy and drenched in Hollywood glitz and glamous...NO MORE CURSING RAP SONGS! ¶ 6:40 AM 5 comments
I had an analogy for Brokeback Mountain and how badly it got screwed, but I'll save it for when the kids are asleep.
Oh, and I like my Academy awards stuffy and drenched in Hollywood glitz and glamous...NO MORE CURSING RAP SONGS! ¶ 6:40 AM 5 comments
Sunday, March 05, 2006
No, I got them ALL cut!
What snaps in me so suddenly that makes me yearn for a haircut? Yesterday, I spent the day doing a whole bunch of whatever without even questioning whether I needed a haircut or not and everything was totally normal. And then this morning, without any extra thought, I woke up and the only thing I wanted to do was run to the barber shop to chop off my locks. What was it that changed overnight while I slept?
It wasn't any of my dreams because I remember a few of them and they had nothing to do with a haircut or anything close to it. In one, I was trying to climb a building with a group of people that I knew from the bank I worked at. In real life, I've never worked at a bank, but during my dream I guess there once was a time where I did work at a bank and the group of people that I worked with were trying to climb up the side of a building with me. Eventually, we all gave up and went to lunch, but the waiter never came back with our food after taking our orders.
During the second dream I was running around the backyard with both of the dogs and the phone kept ringing from inside of the house. Everytime I ran inside to answer it, the caller either hung up or started laughing in a strange way. That's all I can remember from that one.
Anyway, what snapped? Why did I wake up obsessed and intent on getting a haircut? I ran out to get one because I knew the rest of my day would be consumed with the thought of getting one if I didn't.I'm just wondering if anybody else ever goes hair cut crazy like I tend to do from time to time... ¶ 7:04 AM 1 comments
It wasn't any of my dreams because I remember a few of them and they had nothing to do with a haircut or anything close to it. In one, I was trying to climb a building with a group of people that I knew from the bank I worked at. In real life, I've never worked at a bank, but during my dream I guess there once was a time where I did work at a bank and the group of people that I worked with were trying to climb up the side of a building with me. Eventually, we all gave up and went to lunch, but the waiter never came back with our food after taking our orders.
During the second dream I was running around the backyard with both of the dogs and the phone kept ringing from inside of the house. Everytime I ran inside to answer it, the caller either hung up or started laughing in a strange way. That's all I can remember from that one.
Anyway, what snapped? Why did I wake up obsessed and intent on getting a haircut? I ran out to get one because I knew the rest of my day would be consumed with the thought of getting one if I didn't.I'm just wondering if anybody else ever goes hair cut crazy like I tend to do from time to time... ¶ 7:04 AM 1 comments
Friday, March 03, 2006
The End
Finished the book.
Well, I'll clarify and say that I finished the roughest draft that any of you have ever seen, but it's "finished" none the less. I've got to type a good third of the book and as soon as I do, I'll be emailing it out (Microsoft Word) and sharing it with those who showed an interest. Thanks again to those who did because as much as it pains me to send the book out in it's current state, I feel like a lot of you were with me during the writing of the book (especially the Nano gang).
I'll refrain from spoilers until after I've gotten some feedback, but I REALLY would like to defend the parts that I know suck and the parts that I am already itching to rewrite. There are so many scenes that are cringe worthy for me that I'm glad I'm not going to be in the room while people are reading them.
When I first began writing the book (something I had always wanted to do), it was a story about four different people who just happen into each others lives towards the end of things and share their short and meaningful relationships before they die. As that story became the ultimate form of the word "suck", I abandoned the idea for at least my time during MTV and left it for dead. Flash forward a couple of years and the itch to write a book took hold of me once more. I had a couple of other ideas that I kind of mashed into one and after I was happy with what I thought was going to be the plot, I began.
I wrote about 30 pages in the first person and then another 15 in the third...neither felt "right", but the third person seemed to work better and I stuck with that. Before long I hated everything once again and for the second time left the book for dead.
Jump ahead to November 04 when everyone's favorite eingy introduced me to this thing called Nanorimo and one year later (as always) I decided to join her in the adventure. And while I did hit the 50,000 word mark, I did not finish my book.
And now, I guess, I kind of have.
From my first attempt I stole a character that I had always liked and from my second attempt I stole the two major settings for the book and the stark contrast between those two locales. And for some reason, once I started writing the book for the third time during November, it just kind of took off for me.
I kept the writing simple and the words and phrases are nothing too clever or nothing as poetic as I had strived for in earlier versions. There was something nice about the straight forward approach I took with the book and I think that the simple nature of the writing really helps keep the book sweet even when death is drenching the pages.
I originally cut the book into two halves and while there's still a contrast between the two, I feel like a good third of part two should be consider part three. I haven't done any of the chapter breakdowns or titles (don't know if I'm ever going to do that) and I'm sure everyone will be able to have fun counting the many spelling and grammatical errors that are rampant in the book (and this post!). That being said, it's over for the most part and I'm incredibly proud that I finally finished it.
And before I finish this post and hit the orange button, I'd like to thank a couple of people for pushing me through the writing even when I secretly wanted to quit again.
First, Kristen for not laughing at me when I told her I wanted to write a book and for calming me down whenever I wanted to freak out.
And to Seppo and Eingy, I know I've said it a thousand times, but I can't thank you two enough for the kind words and the constant responses to the stuff that I sent you throughout November. Even though you two were both busy with work and your own books, you took the time to respond to my emails and it's the only thing that kept me going when my crippling self doubt reared it's ugly head.
Well, I've got tons more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Just try to keep in mind, those who are going to read it, that the book has a lot of things that need to be changed. It's kind of in the same stage that Star Wars was when Skywalker was Starkiller and the Wookies were intended to bring down the Empire on Endor. Hell, I'm still convinced that Lucas was writing as he went along because why the hell would he make Luke and Leia so damn incestuous? ¶ 6:26 PM 4 comments
Well, I'll clarify and say that I finished the roughest draft that any of you have ever seen, but it's "finished" none the less. I've got to type a good third of the book and as soon as I do, I'll be emailing it out (Microsoft Word) and sharing it with those who showed an interest. Thanks again to those who did because as much as it pains me to send the book out in it's current state, I feel like a lot of you were with me during the writing of the book (especially the Nano gang).
I'll refrain from spoilers until after I've gotten some feedback, but I REALLY would like to defend the parts that I know suck and the parts that I am already itching to rewrite. There are so many scenes that are cringe worthy for me that I'm glad I'm not going to be in the room while people are reading them.
When I first began writing the book (something I had always wanted to do), it was a story about four different people who just happen into each others lives towards the end of things and share their short and meaningful relationships before they die. As that story became the ultimate form of the word "suck", I abandoned the idea for at least my time during MTV and left it for dead. Flash forward a couple of years and the itch to write a book took hold of me once more. I had a couple of other ideas that I kind of mashed into one and after I was happy with what I thought was going to be the plot, I began.
I wrote about 30 pages in the first person and then another 15 in the third...neither felt "right", but the third person seemed to work better and I stuck with that. Before long I hated everything once again and for the second time left the book for dead.
Jump ahead to November 04 when everyone's favorite eingy introduced me to this thing called Nanorimo and one year later (as always) I decided to join her in the adventure. And while I did hit the 50,000 word mark, I did not finish my book.
And now, I guess, I kind of have.
From my first attempt I stole a character that I had always liked and from my second attempt I stole the two major settings for the book and the stark contrast between those two locales. And for some reason, once I started writing the book for the third time during November, it just kind of took off for me.
I kept the writing simple and the words and phrases are nothing too clever or nothing as poetic as I had strived for in earlier versions. There was something nice about the straight forward approach I took with the book and I think that the simple nature of the writing really helps keep the book sweet even when death is drenching the pages.
I originally cut the book into two halves and while there's still a contrast between the two, I feel like a good third of part two should be consider part three. I haven't done any of the chapter breakdowns or titles (don't know if I'm ever going to do that) and I'm sure everyone will be able to have fun counting the many spelling and grammatical errors that are rampant in the book (and this post!). That being said, it's over for the most part and I'm incredibly proud that I finally finished it.
And before I finish this post and hit the orange button, I'd like to thank a couple of people for pushing me through the writing even when I secretly wanted to quit again.
First, Kristen for not laughing at me when I told her I wanted to write a book and for calming me down whenever I wanted to freak out.
And to Seppo and Eingy, I know I've said it a thousand times, but I can't thank you two enough for the kind words and the constant responses to the stuff that I sent you throughout November. Even though you two were both busy with work and your own books, you took the time to respond to my emails and it's the only thing that kept me going when my crippling self doubt reared it's ugly head.
Well, I've got tons more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Just try to keep in mind, those who are going to read it, that the book has a lot of things that need to be changed. It's kind of in the same stage that Star Wars was when Skywalker was Starkiller and the Wookies were intended to bring down the Empire on Endor. Hell, I'm still convinced that Lucas was writing as he went along because why the hell would he make Luke and Leia so damn incestuous? ¶ 6:26 PM 4 comments
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Unsent Letter: Lionel Tate
Dear Jackass,
I clicked on the following link( http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/24/tate.arrest/ ) and read that you are now in trouble for allegedly robbing a pizza delivery guy. I realize that the last time you were in serious trouble, you blamed professional wrestling and the influence it had on you. Even though you were found guilty, the appeal worked for you and I guess you decided to start watching TV again.
But here's the thing...Please point me to the show where you saw some asshole rob a pizza delivery guy at gunpoint. I'm just asking because, once again, we don't want to blame you for how much of a waste of sperm you've proven to be.
Sincerely,
kerowack
P.S. I hope the next show you watch is The Tony Danza Show. At least that way you may attempt to immitate someone who is only has as annoying as you are. ¶ 8:29 AM 1 comments
I clicked on the following link( http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/24/tate.arrest/ ) and read that you are now in trouble for allegedly robbing a pizza delivery guy. I realize that the last time you were in serious trouble, you blamed professional wrestling and the influence it had on you. Even though you were found guilty, the appeal worked for you and I guess you decided to start watching TV again.
But here's the thing...Please point me to the show where you saw some asshole rob a pizza delivery guy at gunpoint. I'm just asking because, once again, we don't want to blame you for how much of a waste of sperm you've proven to be.
Sincerely,
kerowack
P.S. I hope the next show you watch is The Tony Danza Show. At least that way you may attempt to immitate someone who is only has as annoying as you are. ¶ 8:29 AM 1 comments
