Myspace-itis Throughout my life, I've been lucky (knock on wood) and most of the ones I've loved have lived long and healthy lives and outside of my nanny (who passed away after a short bout with cancer), I've been fortunate that everyone around me has steered clear of any major diseases.

Well, and I shake as I type this, my beloved girlfriend Kristen has caught the most dreaded of sicknesses...Myspace-itis. It's heartbreaking, it's tough to deal with, and I've heard it's incredibly contagious. Fortunately, while I don't have an antidote for my poor girl, I do have something that will keep me Myspace free...and that something is...I f*cking hate Myspace.

While browsing the site last night (using Kristen's Myspace account), I discovered that at least 100 people I know have an account and I'm sure that number is lower than it should be because that figure was only attained after an hour of searching the site. I am 28 years old and I honestly can't believe that a bunch of people that are my age, let alone people I know, are putting energy into that ridiculous monster of a site.

Most of the pages I came across were unreadable and littered with annoying videos, pictures, and designs so awful my eyes bled and I had two, count them two, Grand Mal seizures.

Okay. I might be exaggerating just a bit but seriously...WTF?

But I guess, coming from one of the many millions of online bloggers, I'm kind of calling the kettle black.  ¶ 6:26 PM 4 comments

  American Idol: The painful weeks The first month of American Idol is funny because of all of the idiots who realize that they've got no shot to win, but audition anyway. And then there are those who really think they can sing, but are so awful that it's fun to watch them be mocked and rejected. During those first few episodes, I think Idol is at it's best and I don't really look forward to it as much until the field has been whittled down to 5 or 6 contestants.

But, and the show is on as I type, we have reached those weeks where Idol is just unbearable to watch. I think they've narrowed it down to the final 16 and at least 10 of them suck major balls. Some goofy blonde just got done murdering an old Mariah Carey hit (which I think might've been a cover.."Hero"?) and I had to mute it or run to the kitchen to stab at my ear drums with a pointy knife.

There are so many horrible singers that have managed to advance to the point where the audience votes for them and that is just way too far for these talentless hacks.

But what gets me is I'm sure that the "Hero" murdering blonde will get at least one vote...and I won't be able to sleep tonight because of it.

EDIT (or addition): If Paris doesn't win this whole damn thing, the housewives will have either voted enough for Ace to win or the horny frat boys will have overloaded the switchboard dialing for that Pickler chick thinking the Idol hotline to be her cell phone number.  ¶ 5:39 PM 1 comments

  Million Dollar Idea And since this is a public blog (although largely ignored), I guess anybody can feel free to steal it.

The other night, while eating Chinese food, I was staring off into space and thinking about how much I love sweet and sour chicken. After I had done that for 20 minutes or so, I decided to unwrap my fortune cookie to see what was written on the paper inside of it (not to eat it, I hate those things). Anyway, after reading "Adversity is the first path to truth", my lucky numbers (50,12,24,31,26, and 5), and the Chinese Word for "fruit" (Shui-guo), an amazing idea came to me.

Somewhere in a jar on my dresser I have an old fortune from a fortune cookie that I cracked open during the early 90's. It says something about drawing a picture or something having to do with luck and art and I've kept it ever since. But it wasn't until the other night that I thought...what if instead of being hidden in a coin filled jar, my fortune was on display in a little tiny picture frame?

And there you have it. The fortune cookie fortune picture frame. They could sell them in Chinese food restaurants and even make it so that the frames can be connected and form bigger frames. That way, people could collect all of their fortunes and keep them on display. At home or at work, there's no better way to elevate your mood than to reread some good advice or an old adage.

So there you go. Steal it and make my fortune.  ¶ 4:35 PM 1 comments

  Unsent Letter: Paula Abdul
Dear Paula Abdul,

Shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

kerowack

P.S. If I end up watching American Idol tonight (and no doubt that I will) and you repeat whatever Randy has to say for like the zillionth time and use either the word "passion", "energy", or the phrase "made the song your own", I'm going to kick my small dog.

So don't.  ¶ 4:27 PM 1 comments

  Update: Salmon Apples I've got about 10 to 15 pages left to get through and, for better or worse, the book will be finished. I have a whole lot of typing ahead of me and a whole lot more work when I start editing the parts I'm unhappy with. A piece of me feels like the book jumps the shark just after the halfway point, but there are probably a lot of people who will feel that way far before that point in the book. Either way, I'm finally at the end of something I've been putting off for at least four years and I'm happy.

After this I'll get to get going on my comic book (tentatively titled "Hands in the Ruck") and I'll start cranking out those stupid little strips I was so high on (Sticks Figure).

Just wanted to update the one person who may give that rat's ass.  ¶ 4:23 PM 4 comments

  Unsent Letter: Rachael Ray
Dear Rachael Ray,

It's not your fault that I'm writing you this letter, you're just the straw that broke the camel's back. The celebrity cup has overfloweth and unfortunately, you are spilling over the brim. I'm sick of hearing about you, I'm sick of seeing your stupid face on the cover of magazines and children's books, and I really don't appreciate seeing you plugging your stupid cooking show on Oprah this afternoon (I only watched the show because I was committed to the treadmill during what seemed to be "women's workout hour").

I'm all for making a living, but could you just find another living to make? Perhaps something in the private sector.

Best wishes,

kerowack

P.S. If you were to start incorporating a cute little catchphrase (preferably "Do Me!") which you shouted after you spiced up a stew or something, I'd apologize for sending this letter and instead, focus my attention on the next Survivor winner or some other needless celebrity.  ¶ 1:56 PM 1 comments

  REVAMP!
Oddly enough, this is the third attempt at this post. The first was rushed due to dinner, the second attempt was lost when my internet connection zonked out, and by this time I've grown so tired of trying to be funny using various approaches of the same lame jokes I had planned for this post that I don't feel like trying again.

So here's the short of it: Due to a handful of reasons (college, videogames, drawing and the book), I've been sorely lacking (once again) in the update department. Hopefully, this fresh new look will encourage me to keep up with this poor excuse for a blog, but in all likelihood, even that won't be enough. Oh well...

Photo: Kerowack spends time playing videogames while neglecting life, the internet, and everyone who loves him.  ¶ 1:49 PM 0 comments

  Things that are better than my blog Here's a short list of things you should be spending your time on instead of reading this blog. Because in 80 years, when you're old and withering or old and dead, you'll wish you had these 30 seconds back and any of the options below would have been a better way to spend them.

1. Arrested Development - I'll ban TV for one year if Mitch Herwitz doesn't let the show live.
2. The Office - I'll end that ban the second a new episode of this show comes on.
3. Winning Eleven 9- The game that has me asking, "Why did I turn 360 so fast?"
4. Velveeta macaroni and cheese - I eat half of the cheese before I mix it with the noodles.
5. 45 minutes of cardio- Bad days go bye-bye right around minute 46.
6. Sirius satellite- If you don't have one... *punches reader who doesn't own one*
7. Taping shows with VHS tapes- Take your tivo, and it's monthly fee, and shove it up your fancy butt.
8. Hat racks- Your hats will thank you later.
9. XBOX 360- I APOLOGIZE XBOX! Don't hate me.
10. Axe deoderant- I'm still waiting on the flock of women to chase me down, but with the deoderant on, I know they're close.

You could probably point to any object in your house or any object outside of it and it is better than my blog, but you know what?

*breaks reader's pointer fingers*  ¶ 6:50 PM 7 comments