The 'wack Off

I have found my calling...

2007-08-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

After playing only the DEMO for Bioshock, I have finally found the path for me. I want to be an Objectionist....I WANT THE SWEAT ON A WORKING MAN'S BROW!

:)

Random Facts Game

2007-02-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

RULES: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. I used to make fun of people who changed sports team allegiances. Now I am one of them. A little over two years ago I became a New York Giants fan and feel great amounts of shame when somebody asks me about the Redskins...
2. The only areas I check out on random girls are their butts and their eyes. If there was a girl with eyes on her butt, I think Kristen would be in trouble.
3. I don't ever want to hear another Doors song again as long as I live. I played them out (in high school) for life.
4. Everytime I play a videogame I beat myself up for not doing something more important. If I actually hit myself, I'd be in critical condition right now.
5. If I'm drawing a comic page and I make a mistake, I often just tear the entire page up (no matter how complete it is) and start on a new "mistake free" page. This is why I've got ten pages finished over the past two years.
6. When I was in middle school/high school and I'd get a random erection, I would think of Roseanne Barr laughing at the dinner table (as she does during the opening credits of her show) in order to get things under control.
7. I have about ten friends, but only like about five of them.
8. If I like a song, I'll listen to it until it's burned into my brain. I've listen to Mika's "Grace Kelly" about 30 times in the past two hours. This may also be why I don't ever want to hear another Doors song ever again (#3).
9. I like to microwave everything for 42 seconds and if it needs more time, I only put it in for increments of 12, 21 or 42 seconds again.
10. I'm incredibly jealous of my dog. He gets to sleep all day long and humps pillows. He seems happy.

Rolex? No, Omega.

2006-11-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

Some people have a problem with product placement, but I don't see the big deal(or no deal) . What's so wrong about making a little moolah on the side? I mean, product placement in a film or show is better than sitting through some commercial, isn't it? Hell, half of us skip the commercials anyway. So you can't really place all of the blame on the people in charge of these things, can you?

I mean, Can ya'?

Caught in the trend of ten...

2006-08-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

You know the list...simple pleasures....yada yada yada...(is anybody still reading this thing?)...

10. The feel of that one baseball hat that fits your head perfectly.
9. Finally getting rid of the hiccups (or getting rid of that burp that's trapped in your chest).
8. Daylight Savings Time day (the one where you get sleep back).
7. A really good book (The Ric Flair Biography at this moment!)
6. Online gaming with people you KNOW.
5. Howard Stern (all day replays RULE!)
4. Throwing around a football (or kicking around a soccer ball).
3. The feeling you get after a GOOD workout.
2. Drawing and creating characters.
1. The cool side of the pillow.

I didn't want to cover the "biggies" (love, teaching and the like) and feel that my list holds it's own. Even if I didn't include the halfhour long dump (would've bumped #3 back to #4) or the ten dollar hooker (would've bumped #1 to #2), I stand by my decisions.

I think we should have a "life's little annoyances" list too...THAT would be much harder for me to write (maybe make it a top 40).

Astronuts!

2006-07-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/t...-name_page.html

MAN ON MOON: WE SAW A UFO
Astronauts' close encounter
By Mike Swain

The first men to walk on the Moon reported seeing a UFO, a new TV documentary reveals. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the Moon's surface after Neil Armstrong, says space agency bosses covered up their sighting. And the Apollo 11 astronauts were also careful not to talk about it openly.

He said: "There was something out there, close enough to be observed, and what could it be?
"Now, obviously the three of us weren't going to blurt out, 'Hey, Houston, we've got something moving alongside of us and we don't know what it is, you know?

"Can you tell us what it is?'

"We weren't about to do that, because we knew that that those transmissions would be heard by all sorts of people and somebody might have demanded we turn back because of aliens or whatever the reason is."

The documentary, tonight on Five, also reveals that the astronauts had to repair the lunar module with a ballpoint pen after the historic landing in July 1969.In the cramped conditions, someone's bulky spacesuit had snapped off a circuit breaker essential for starting up the engine.To this day, Aldrin treasures the everyday object that saved their lives.

He said: "I used a pen, one of several that we had on board that didn't have metal on the end, and we used that to push the circuit breaker in."The programme also draws on classified documents made public for the first time.

This link (which I found on some random message board) could be total horseshit. I'm no authority on English newspapers and for all I know the Daily Record might be as reputable as the Weekly World News. Still, either the paper's full of shit or the astronauts are...

The Mark of a Moron

2006-07-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

http://419eater.com/index.htm

For those of you who don't frequent TGF (bag head), check out this highly addictive site.

It's basically the typed correspondences of internet scammers (Nigerian Kings...all that crap) and the people who try to run them around in circles (if only to give them a bit o' bad medicine). I found the one called The Mark of a Moron (in the Archives) to be captivating.

And the rest of them are pretty damn decent as well.

It's great to see so many of these people will tattoo themselves at the drop of a hat. I almost want a "Baited by Shiver" tattoo myself!

BONUS: Head to the trophy room. Point. Giggle.

Crystal Ball'd

2006-07-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

It seems that once every four or five months I make a post promising not to neglect my blog anymore and pulling excuses out of my ass like I ate a big loaf of "because of.." bread for lunch. It's weird because a new entry takes, what, five minutes to type (none of my entries are that complicated)? And it's not like I don't think a thousand thoughts a minute... I really don't have any good excuse for NOT updating my blog more frequently except that I tend to forget it exists and that it gets lost in the shuffle between email, a handful of message boards and slices of"because of" bread.

I just wonder what kind of parent I'm going to be (not that anybody I know is pregnant with my seed or anything)...

SCENE: In my house. My blog has entered it's teenage years (and seems to have taken on the traits of a girl...for some reason)
My blog (age 14): Dad?
Me: What?
My blog: Can you take me to the mall?
Me: What? (mutes television) What did you say?
My blog: Can you take me?
Me: Where?
My blog: The mall! Don't you even listen?
Me: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you!
My blog: Well, can you take me to the mall?
Me: When?
My blog: Now?
Me: Now? Can it wait an hour?
My blog: An HOUR? All of my other friends are going to be there! Angry Chad is already at the mall!
Me: Angry who?
My blog: God, you've met him a thousand times! The guy with the neck...
Me: Oh yeah, the neck guy. Can it wait an hour?
My blog: A whole hour??? By that time they'll be ready to leave!
Me: (roll eyes) Alright...Alright! Five minutes?
My blog: Is the car unlocked?
Me: I don't know.
My blog: Can I have the keys? I'm going to wait in the car.
Me: They're on the counter.
My blog: (in the kitchen) They're not on the counter!
Me: Check by the fridge!
My blog: I AM! They're not by the fridge!
Me: Are you sure?
My blog: I don't see them...
Me: (frustrated...marching into kitchen) They were here a minute ago...
My blog: Oh and can I borrow 20 bucks?
Me: 20 bucks? What about your allowance?
My blog: I spent it at the movies, remember? I told you I did. God, you don't even LISTEN to me!
Me: I'm sorry. I FORGOT!
My blog: It's like you don't even care!
Me: If I didn't care would I be driving you to the mall? Where the HELL are my keys?

(I search my pockets and the keys are in the right. In the other room, on television, a touchdown has been scored. The announcer is freaking out like he's on fire)

Me: Oh great...they scored. Damn Gint's...
My blog: Oh my god. You can hear the TV from the other room, but you can barely pay attention to me when you're standing right in front of me.
Me: Oh, that's not true.
My blog: It SO is..
Me: I'm sorry if I was WATCHING something...I didn't realize I was going to be making a trip to the mall today.
My blog: Can I have 20 bucks?
Me: I thought it was borrow...
My blog: (whiny) Daaaddd...
Me: Here are the keys. Wait in the car.
My blog: So can I have the 20 bucks?
Me: YES! Just wait in the car...

(Five minutes later after the Giants are forced to punt)

Me: (turns off crap pop to the Giant game on the car radio) So how long are you going to be?
My blog: I don't know, just drop me off.
Me: Fine. But what time am I picking you up?
My blog: I don't know. I'll call...
Me: Because I'm not waiting up all night...
My blog: You would if the Giants were on!
Me: Well, the Giants are on NOW and I'm missing it to drive you to the mall!
My blog: You're not missing it! It's on the stupid radio right now!
Me: That's not the same.
My blog: Whatever...
Me: So what time?
My blog: I don't know. Maybe I'll just get Chad's parents to drive me home.
Me: Well, whatever, but let me know. Deal?
My blog: Okaaay...

(we pull up to the mall. I'm pissed because the Giants allowed another TD during the car ride)

My blog: There's Chad. (points to weird long necked guy)
Me: Who's that with him?
My blog: Oh, that's AB.
Me: Why's he wearing a bag on his head?
My blog: I don't know. He's cold?
Me: And what about the guy without a helmet?
My blog: That's seppo and he ALWAYS wears a helmet.
Me: He's not wearing one right now.
My blog: Can I borrow the twenty bucks or not?
Me: (hands over 20 bucks)
My blog: Thanks...bye.
Me: Call me! I don't want to stay up all night!

(My blog joins it's friends at the entrance to the mall. I drive back to catch the rest of the game)

Me: What a neck on that guy...

END SCENE

Just a gesture

2006-06-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

Today was on it's way to being one of the worst days in recent memory. The stresses of my job search (which is now stretching out of state and across oceans even...), the fact that I got a 90 dollar ticket for not wearing a seatbelt (I was only travelling three blocks and the worst part is that I'm a complete seatbelt WHORE), and writing and drawing has taken a back seat to college work (piles of it) and the application process. Long story short, up until about 7:20 tonight, I was frustrated and ready to quit (at least for the night).

And then, stemming from a conversation we had in class last week, my teacher, Lou, brought in his own copy of the graphic novel "Pedro and Me". The book, by Judd Winnick, tells the story of Pedro Zamora and his battle with AIDS. I read it years ago (in a bookstore...too broke to buy it) and as it turns out, Judd was a student of my teacher back when my teacher taught high school Social Studies. What's more than that though is that Lou Marrett has a couple of pages dedicated to him in the book which detail a lesson he began when he wrote the words "I Am Gay" on the blackboard. Lou's like that. He never holds back and he dives at the heart of all issues. Lou is not gay. Lou just wrote that to incite a discussion on the opinions and feelings of the classroom towards homosexuality and I'm sure it made an impact on the classroom that day.l. Hell, Judd felt the need to include it in his book.

So that's what Lou does...makes an impact. Tonight, after my awful day, Lou showed us the part of the book where he was featured, spoke a bit about Judd and then walked over to my desk and handed me the book. He told me that since I was such a great artist (based on the hundreds of doodles I've done in his class the past couple of weeks...my notebook has ten words of notes and ten thousand ninja guys) that he wanted me to have his copy of the book. I did the "that's not necessary" hand thing, but he wouldn't have it. He smiled at me, shook my hand and I just said "thank you".

And THAT, my friends, is how you change somebody's bad day. With just a simple act of kindness....just a gesture.

Unsent Letter: George Michael

2006-05-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

Dated 1990:

Dear George Michael,

Your newest album, "Listen Without Prejudice", is fantastic. Cowboys and Angels is probably my favorite song on the album, but I love them all! You are so talented and I'm sure you will continue to rule the charts for years to come!

Your biggest fan,

kerowack

P.S. Stay away from public bathrooms in Los Angeles. It's just a feeling I have, but probably nothing to worry about. Later!

END OF LETTER

Seriously, George Michael really pissed all over a great career. Not because of the whole indecent exposure scandal, but because his last three albums have sucked major ballz. He hasn't put out anything decent in over 15 years!

Thank god for Robbie Williams. I need something to dance to while I'm naked and cooking omelettes in the kitchen.

If I had enough friends...

2006-05-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

I would try to convince them to do something similar to this...

http://www.improveverywhere.com/mission_view.php?mission_id=57

Dibs on the music section. I would love to push awful CD's on all of the shoppers.

"You simply must purchase George Michael's "Songs From the Last Century". It's totally underrated and stuff".

Sucked into the "..Code".

2006-04-27T07:32:00.001-07:00

I'm not against all things that become insanely popular and I'm hardly a snob (I watch American freakin' Idol for god sakes), but I do find myself stubbornly refusing to accept certain, um, manias that seem to take the world by storm. I hate most of the music on the more popular radio stations and when a song I do like starts getting airplay on the Top 40 station, a part of me realizes that a song I once liked/loved is no longer "mine". Anyway, a lot of my interests are slightly odd (I watch both soccer AND rugby and I'm an AMERICAN!) and I tend to stick my nose up at the mainstream...let's cut this story short, shall we?

Yesterday, I started to read The Da Vinci Code after a couple of years of fighting off many requests to do so. People I know who don't even read were telling me that I HAD to read it and that it's "the best book ever". While I won't go that far, I will say this...it's pretty damn good (so far).

Dan Brown writes the book with a simple enough style to lure non-readers in, but spices each chapter up with enough interesting history to keep the "smart" people entertained. Basically, it's a book that is easy enough to read to make us dumb people feel smart while reading it.

I'm on chapter 20 (which is like page 12 with this one) and so far, so good. I wanted to hate it in the worst way...

I could always lie, I guess...

Garfield is a crappy strip, but...

2006-03-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

...Jim Davis is right about two things.

1. Lasagna is great.
2. Mondays suck.

If I have to yell at one more 13 year old (and I shouldn't...gym class is over), I'm going to skip past the yelling part and get straight to the beating part and I will not be pulling punches.

Six gym classes in 8 periods, all of them full of sarcasm and pep, contributed to my current frustration level and the fact that I've lost my voice.

Plus, for some reason I've lost at EVERYTHING I've played this weekend whether it be tennis, Ghost Recon, or NCAA 2k6. If it weren't for the two games I won in basketball (online), I'd wonder if I had some hand eye coordination disease.

One things for sure...I'm not playing the lottery tonight.

Overheard in a kindergarten classroom

2006-03-23T05:18:00.000-08:00

"Mrs.****! Mrs. ****! James said he's going to punch me in the neck!"- 3 foot tall would-be victim

Yikes! If the kindergartners are already focusing on the neck, the third graders must be well into crotch rocking by now!

Unsent Letter: Tom Cruise

2006-03-23T05:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Cruise,

Jumping on a fat woman's couch? Pointing a finger and exposing the glibness of a balding morning talk show host? I'm willing to put all of that behind us because your zest for life and your fragile grasp on the concept of "cool" somehow makes you...very, very cool.

Yesterday, I overheard another conversation (sparked by a trashy supermarket tabloid) between two women and apparently, Mr. Tom, neither one is ever going to pay to see one of your movies again (but, in her defense, the fat one looked like a lil' closet pirate anyways). Still, I find their lack of faith deserving and at the very least, they owe you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, you were the coolest back in the early 80s when Risky Business and Top Gun were soaring through the theaters. It's not your fault, that in retrospect, the windmill high five is incredibly uncool and how were you supposed to know that half-nude sock sliding was going to peak with your performance?

Anyways, I just wanted to show some support and let you know that I will be the first one on line for MI3. People think you are crazy because you're a Scientologist, but that's because they're overlooking the fact that you were probably nuts WAY before you ever joined that cult.

Still a fan,

kerowack

P.S. If anyone ever doubts your sanity again, show them the picture I've included with the letter. It won't change their mind, but it's a pretty awesome shot.

Unsent Letter: Bill Beutel

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Beutel,

As a kid, my mother watched Eyewitness News religiously and every day, whether I was playing with Superhero toys or drawing another picture, I sprawled across the livingroom floor and listened to your voice. I don't think I payed much attention to the actual news itself (to this day I'm not sure if I really do), but I did hear you. I can still hear you today.

Thank you for always being there for me and in my opinion, you are "the" newscaster/anchor of my generation. You rule.

My mother and I will miss you,

kerowack

P.S. Thanks again.

Bill Beutel 1930-2006

Lunch Lady Land

2006-03-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

I just taught three straight GYM classes with a packed bladder. I bet you never stopped to think how many times one of your teachers had to go to the bathroom, but was unable to do so. It's happened to me four times in just under two years and it's the worst. Especially when one of them asks to go to the bathroom and you watch them leave. I've never been so jealous.

But the cool thing is today I got the "behind the scenes" tour of the cafeteria at one of the elementary schools. They have hamburgers as far as the eye can see and pretzels piled so high the salt showers down like hail! Plus, those lunch ladies are the most awesome people in the school...They were amused with my fascination.

Anyway...I've got nothing.

Venting

2006-03-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

As a substitute teacher in the same school district over the last year and a half, I feel I've built up a solid reputation based on good word of mouth and a couple of days where I've impressed the other teacher in the classroom (some classes require two teachers these days). That's why I'm pissed off right now and hoping that I'm in the same building tomorrow.

A month or so ago, I subbed for a math teacher who left a crappy set of plans on her desk and a short list of directions. The list said, "Take attendance, teach kids probabability, hand out worksheet, go over worksheet". Simple enough, but a nightmare when you realize that you have to introduce a new subject to a classroom full of students hungry to attack a substitute.

Anyway, I was only in two of her classes that day (The principal was "nice" enough to fill my breaks with classes that weren't supposed to be mine) and thought that, for the most part, I did what I had to do. While both classes were horribly behaved and the review was atrocious, I introduced the lesson clearly and the students that DID listen, understood what I was saying. It's all of the ones that didn't that screwed up the review. Cut to the chase, most of the students wasted their time (and mine) and I was happy to be done with them (and to think, those periods were supposed to be my free ones).

Fast forward to today, and some kid in the hallway comes up to me and says, "Mr. G! Mrs. ******** said you did a bad job with our class and that you must not have tried very hard."

Well, FUCK Mrs. ********. I busted my ass trying to teach those ungrateful 7th graders probablity and despite referrals and constant reminders to stop fooling around, those two classes didn't want to listen. And for those of you who haven't subbed before, a classroom like that is NOT uncommon. In my experience, those crazy classrooms are only fueled with the knowledge that their regular teacher isn't going to do JACK FREAKIN SQUAT if they behave that way, so they sure as hell aren't going to listen to a substitute. I've subbed long enough to know that it's not me that's the problem. I'm good. Damn good.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is FUCK Mrs. ******** and her attempt to sully my reputation. I just hope (and it's been a month so it's unlikely) that she hasn't said anything to any of the other teachers who I've come to know. To be fair, there were three other subsitutes teaching her classes that day so the idiot kid who came up to me could have turned a broad comment into something more personal. But until I talk to her (tomorrow hopefully), I won't know that.

Still, I hope she didn't direct the comment at me personally, because I'll tell her the same things I've included in this post (except the FUCK parts).

And the Oscar goes to...

2006-03-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

...the wrong movie. Brokeback Mountain deserved best picture and having seen the movie that won the award, I can say that without any hesitation. Had Capote won, or Good Night and Good Luck, I would've had to keep my mouth shut, but since I have seen Crash, I can say what I want.

I had an analogy for Brokeback Mountain and how badly it got screwed, but I'll save it for when the kids are asleep.

Oh, and I like my Academy awards stuffy and drenched in Hollywood glitz and glamous...NO MORE CURSING RAP SONGS!

No, I got them ALL cut!

2006-03-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

What snaps in me so suddenly that makes me yearn for a haircut? Yesterday, I spent the day doing a whole bunch of whatever without even questioning whether I needed a haircut or not and everything was totally normal. And then this morning, without any extra thought, I woke up and the only thing I wanted to do was run to the barber shop to chop off my locks. What was it that changed overnight while I slept?

It wasn't any of my dreams because I remember a few of them and they had nothing to do with a haircut or anything close to it. In one, I was trying to climb a building with a group of people that I knew from the bank I worked at. In real life, I've never worked at a bank, but during my dream I guess there once was a time where I did work at a bank and the group of people that I worked with were trying to climb up the side of a building with me. Eventually, we all gave up and went to lunch, but the waiter never came back with our food after taking our orders.

During the second dream I was running around the backyard with both of the dogs and the phone kept ringing from inside of the house. Everytime I ran inside to answer it, the caller either hung up or started laughing in a strange way. That's all I can remember from that one.

Anyway, what snapped? Why did I wake up obsessed and intent on getting a haircut? I ran out to get one because I knew the rest of my day would be consumed with the thought of getting one if I didn't.I'm just wondering if anybody else ever goes hair cut crazy like I tend to do from time to time...

The End

2006-03-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

Finished the book.

Well, I'll clarify and say that I finished the roughest draft that any of you have ever seen, but it's "finished" none the less. I've got to type a good third of the book and as soon as I do, I'll be emailing it out (Microsoft Word) and sharing it with those who showed an interest. Thanks again to those who did because as much as it pains me to send the book out in it's current state, I feel like a lot of you were with me during the writing of the book (especially the Nano gang).

I'll refrain from spoilers until after I've gotten some feedback, but I REALLY would like to defend the parts that I know suck and the parts that I am already itching to rewrite. There are so many scenes that are cringe worthy for me that I'm glad I'm not going to be in the room while people are reading them.

When I first began writing the book (something I had always wanted to do), it was a story about four different people who just happen into each others lives towards the end of things and share their short and meaningful relationships before they die. As that story became the ultimate form of the word "suck", I abandoned the idea for at least my time during MTV and left it for dead. Flash forward a couple of years and the itch to write a book took hold of me once more. I had a couple of other ideas that I kind of mashed into one and after I was happy with what I thought was going to be the plot, I began.

I wrote about 30 pages in the first person and then another 15 in the third...neither felt "right", but the third person seemed to work better and I stuck with that. Before long I hated everything once again and for the second time left the book for dead.

Jump ahead to November 04 when everyone's favorite eingy introduced me to this thing called Nanorimo and one year later (as always) I decided to join her in the adventure. And while I did hit the 50,000 word mark, I did not finish my book.

And now, I guess, I kind of have.

From my first attempt I stole a character that I had always liked and from my second attempt I stole the two major settings for the book and the stark contrast between those two locales. And for some reason, once I started writing the book for the third time during November, it just kind of took off for me.

I kept the writing simple and the words and phrases are nothing too clever or nothing as poetic as I had strived for in earlier versions. There was something nice about the straight forward approach I took with the book and I think that the simple nature of the writing really helps keep the book sweet even when death is drenching the pages.

I originally cut the book into two halves and while there's still a contrast between the two, I feel like a good third of part two should be consider part three. I haven't done any of the chapter breakdowns or titles (don't know if I'm ever going to do that) and I'm sure everyone will be able to have fun counting the many spelling and grammatical errors that are rampant in the book (and this post!). That being said, it's over for the most part and I'm incredibly proud that I finally finished it.

And before I finish this post and hit the orange button, I'd like to thank a couple of people for pushing me through the writing even when I secretly wanted to quit again.

First, Kristen for not laughing at me when I told her I wanted to write a book and for calming me down whenever I wanted to freak out.

And to Seppo and Eingy, I know I've said it a thousand times, but I can't thank you two enough for the kind words and the constant responses to the stuff that I sent you throughout November. Even though you two were both busy with work and your own books, you took the time to respond to my emails and it's the only thing that kept me going when my crippling self doubt reared it's ugly head.

Well, I've got tons more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Just try to keep in mind, those who are going to read it, that the book has a lot of things that need to be changed. It's kind of in the same stage that Star Wars was when Skywalker was Starkiller and the Wookies were intended to bring down the Empire on Endor. Hell, I'm still convinced that Lucas was writing as he went along because why the hell would he make Luke and Leia so damn incestuous?

Unsent Letter: Lionel Tate

2006-03-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Jackass,

I clicked on the following link( http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/24/tate.arrest/ ) and read that you are now in trouble for allegedly robbing a pizza delivery guy. I realize that the last time you were in serious trouble, you blamed professional wrestling and the influence it had on you. Even though you were found guilty, the appeal worked for you and I guess you decided to start watching TV again.

But here's the thing...Please point me to the show where you saw some asshole rob a pizza delivery guy at gunpoint. I'm just asking because, once again, we don't want to blame you for how much of a waste of sperm you've proven to be.

Sincerely,

kerowack

P.S. I hope the next show you watch is The Tony Danza Show. At least that way you may attempt to immitate someone who is only has as annoying as you are.

Myspace-itis

2006-02-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

Throughout my life, I've been lucky (knock on wood) and most of the ones I've loved have lived long and healthy lives and outside of my nanny (who passed away after a short bout with cancer), I've been fortunate that everyone around me has steered clear of any major diseases.

Well, and I shake as I type this, my beloved girlfriend Kristen has caught the most dreaded of sicknesses...Myspace-itis. It's heartbreaking, it's tough to deal with, and I've heard it's incredibly contagious. Fortunately, while I don't have an antidote for my poor girl, I do have something that will keep me Myspace free...and that something is...I f*cking hate Myspace.

While browsing the site last night (using Kristen's Myspace account), I discovered that at least 100 people I know have an account and I'm sure that number is lower than it should be because that figure was only attained after an hour of searching the site. I am 28 years old and I honestly can't believe that a bunch of people that are my age, let alone people I know, are putting energy into that ridiculous monster of a site.

Most of the pages I came across were unreadable and littered with annoying videos, pictures, and designs so awful my eyes bled and I had two, count them two, Grand Mal seizures.

Okay. I might be exaggerating just a bit but seriously...WTF?

But I guess, coming from one of the many millions of online bloggers, I'm kind of calling the kettle black.

American Idol: The painful weeks

2006-02-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

The first month of American Idol is funny because of all of the idiots who realize that they've got no shot to win, but audition anyway. And then there are those who really think they can sing, but are so awful that it's fun to watch them be mocked and rejected. During those first few episodes, I think Idol is at it's best and I don't really look forward to it as much until the field has been whittled down to 5 or 6 contestants.

But, and the show is on as I type, we have reached those weeks where Idol is just unbearable to watch. I think they've narrowed it down to the final 16 and at least 10 of them suck major balls. Some goofy blonde just got done murdering an old Mariah Carey hit (which I think might've been a cover.."Hero"?) and I had to mute it or run to the kitchen to stab at my ear drums with a pointy knife.

There are so many horrible singers that have managed to advance to the point where the audience votes for them and that is just way too far for these talentless hacks.

But what gets me is I'm sure that the "Hero" murdering blonde will get at least one vote...and I won't be able to sleep tonight because of it.

EDIT (or addition): If Paris doesn't win this whole damn thing, the housewives will have either voted enough for Ace to win or the horny frat boys will have overloaded the switchboard dialing for that Pickler chick thinking the Idol hotline to be her cell phone number.

Million Dollar Idea

2006-02-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

And since this is a public blog (although largely ignored), I guess anybody can feel free to steal it.

The other night, while eating Chinese food, I was staring off into space and thinking about how much I love sweet and sour chicken. After I had done that for 20 minutes or so, I decided to unwrap my fortune cookie to see what was written on the paper inside of it (not to eat it, I hate those things). Anyway, after reading "Adversity is the first path to truth", my lucky numbers (50,12,24,31,26, and 5), and the Chinese Word for "fruit" (Shui-guo), an amazing idea came to me.

Somewhere in a jar on my dresser I have an old fortune from a fortune cookie that I cracked open during the early 90's. It says something about drawing a picture or something having to do with luck and art and I've kept it ever since. But it wasn't until the other night that I thought...what if instead of being hidden in a coin filled jar, my fortune was on display in a little tiny picture frame?

And there you have it. The fortune cookie fortune picture frame. They could sell them in Chinese food restaurants and even make it so that the frames can be connected and form bigger frames. That way, people could collect all of their fortunes and keep them on display. At home or at work, there's no better way to elevate your mood than to reread some good advice or an old adage.

So there you go. Steal it and make my fortune.

Unsent Letter: Paula Abdul

2006-02-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Paula Abdul,

Shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

kerowack

P.S. If I end up watching American Idol tonight (and no doubt that I will) and you repeat whatever Randy has to say for like the zillionth time and use either the word "passion", "energy", or the phrase "made the song your own", I'm going to kick my small dog.

So don't.

Update: Salmon Apples

2006-02-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

I've got about 10 to 15 pages left to get through and, for better or worse, the book will be finished. I have a whole lot of typing ahead of me and a whole lot more work when I start editing the parts I'm unhappy with. A piece of me feels like the book jumps the shark just after the halfway point, but there are probably a lot of people who will feel that way far before that point in the book. Either way, I'm finally at the end of something I've been putting off for at least four years and I'm happy.

After this I'll get to get going on my comic book (tentatively titled "Hands in the Ruck") and I'll start cranking out those stupid little strips I was so high on (Sticks Figure).

Just wanted to update the one person who may give that rat's ass.

Unsent Letter: Rachael Ray

2006-02-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Rachael Ray,

It's not your fault that I'm writing you this letter, you're just the straw that broke the camel's back. The celebrity cup has overfloweth and unfortunately, you are spilling over the brim. I'm sick of hearing about you, I'm sick of seeing your stupid face on the cover of magazines and children's books, and I really don't appreciate seeing you plugging your stupid cooking show on Oprah this afternoon (I only watched the show because I was committed to the treadmill during what seemed to be "women's workout hour").

I'm all for making a living, but could you just find another living to make? Perhaps something in the private sector.

Best wishes,

kerowack

P.S. If you were to start incorporating a cute little catchphrase (preferably "Do Me!") which you shouted after you spiced up a stew or something, I'd apologize for sending this letter and instead, focus my attention on the next Survivor winner or some other needless celebrity.

REVAMP!

2006-02-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, this is the third attempt at this post. The first was rushed due to dinner, the second attempt was lost when my internet connection zonked out, and by this time I've grown so tired of trying to be funny using various approaches of the same lame jokes I had planned for this post that I don't feel like trying again.

So here's the short of it: Due to a handful of reasons (college, videogames, drawing and the book), I've been sorely lacking (once again) in the update department. Hopefully, this fresh new look will encourage me to keep up with this poor excuse for a blog, but in all likelihood, even that won't be enough. Oh well...

Photo: Kerowack spends time playing videogames while neglecting life, the internet, and everyone who loves him.

Things that are better than my blog

2006-02-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a short list of things you should be spending your time on instead of reading this blog. Because in 80 years, when you're old and withering or old and dead, you'll wish you had these 30 seconds back and any of the options below would have been a better way to spend them.

1. Arrested Development - I'll ban TV for one year if Mitch Herwitz doesn't let the show live.
2. The Office - I'll end that ban the second a new episode of this show comes on.
3. Winning Eleven 9- The game that has me asking, "Why did I turn 360 so fast?"
4. Velveeta macaroni and cheese - I eat half of the cheese before I mix it with the noodles.
5. 45 minutes of cardio- Bad days go bye-bye right around minute 46.
6. Sirius satellite- If you don't have one... *punches reader who doesn't own one*
7. Taping shows with VHS tapes- Take your tivo, and it's monthly fee, and shove it up your fancy butt.
8. Hat racks- Your hats will thank you later.
9. XBOX 360- I APOLOGIZE XBOX! Don't hate me.
10. Axe deoderant- I'm still waiting on the flock of women to chase me down, but with the deoderant on, I know they're close.

You could probably point to any object in your house or any object outside of it and it is better than my blog, but you know what?

*breaks reader's pointer fingers*

Blankets

2006-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

First off, why are you wasting time reading this boring blog when you should be running out to the store to pick up Craig Thompson's insanely amazing "Blankets". It's the best thing I've read this year (today is January 7th and I haven't read anything else yet this "year". That's the joke!). Seriously, it's a graphic novel and a rather quick read. Why aren't you at least heading to amazon.com to check up on it yet?

Went to amazon? Read the reviews?

Pretty good, huh?

Alright. Continuing...

The story truly captures what it's like to fall in love for the first time. One of the reviews over at amazon.com (which you've already read, right?) said that it took the reviewer back to the time period where he fell in love for the first time. I'd have to agree. It didn't take me back to the girl I fell for as much as it just gave me that same sort of feeling again. It's incredibly powerful and it will swirl the juices in your stomach if you dare to get involved with the book (and you've already ordered it so be prepared).

Amazing story. Great plotting and pacing. I could go on and on and on some more, but I won't.
And I'm not even going to go into Thompson's adventure into Christianity. Religion has never been a huge deal to me, but the book is thick with it (or the discussion of it). If you're interested in talking it or debating it, you'd probably get even MORE from the work than I did.

Did you spring for the overnight shipping? No? Damn. Should have...

Happy pre-grade school summer memory

2005-12-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to seppo and eingy for inspiring me to revisit this dusty blog...

Anyway...

I'm not sure I can go back as far as "pre" grade school as most of those memories are fuzzy peaches and not particularly notable. A couple of days spent with undressable Batman figures (why not dressable?) and kicking a ball without a goal (as the rules of even the most simple of sports did not make sense to me until at least 3rd grade).

But during the summers, EVERY summer before 6th grade, my mother would drop my brother and I off at our grandmothers while she worked at a bank. My grandmother worked nights, so she slept all day on the couch (she refused to sleep upstairs in the bed my grandfather slept in). My grandfather, retired from the Postal Service and with all day to spare, drank 12 packs and passed gas on a chair that was about three feet from the couch that my grandmother slept on. My grandmother would've had the upstairs bed to herself, but out of protest continued to sleep three feet from the man she couldn't stand. Either that or she just loved to bask in my now dead grandfather's farts.

Anyway, My brother and I and both of our cousins (who were also subject to being left behind at the house of eggs and farts) had to amuse ourselves all day long in a giant house full of garbage. My Uncle Wayne jokes every year, like clockwork at this point, that the next edition of "Survivor" is going to be filmed inside of my grandmother's filthy house. My grandmother also speaks in the third person ("Brian, you're grandmother has fluid in her knee" or "Did you know your grandmother was quite the artist herself when she was younger?"). The house was big and three of the four upstairs bedrooms belonged to uncles who had moved out at least five years before I was in first grade. My grandparents never bothered to turn their rooms into anything other than the mess their sons had left behind.

So each and every day during the span of five or so summers, all four of us would walk upstairs and explore the rooms of my emancipated uncles. One uncle was into comic books and we shredded through issues of Sgt. Fury and other crappy characters that I wasn't aware of. The one issue of Submariner he had was like the holy grail of his comic book collection (which we of course shredded). Two of my other uncles, twins, shared a room and an obsession of the Beatles. We used to draw all over their posters still left hanging on the wall. The last room, which belonged to a seemingly hobbiless uncle, is what still sticks in my head to this day.

The room was small and yellow and was surprisingly clean for the house. The laundry was only piled in two corners of the room. The entire house smelled like gym socks, but that room in particular reeked of it. We used to avoid the room as it had nothing to offer and it wasn't until one day in second grade (when we ostracized my brother once again) that the little bastard reached between the bed and the wall and discovered what would end up being wallpaper for our fort downstairs (which was the entire livingroom).

My little brother, no more than 4 at the time, discovered the single largest collection of porno magazines I've ever seen (to this day). And although most of the names escape me, I'll never forget the word "Cherry" because my uncle must've had forty issues of the magazine.

My brother, forgiven for whatever we had accused him of doing or being, became a hero that day. And while my grandmother slept in the den and my grandfather drank himself into an alchoholic daze, we covered the living room walls with boobs, butts, and more boobs. I can remember that we were disgusted by the sight of the "other" part of the girl as the publishers of Cherry were quite detailed and offered the most intricate of spreads. It seemed to be mandatory for every vagina in picture to be pried open with an invisible crowbar and two pairs of hands. My cousin Cindy still has nightmares about it (Did I mention that one of the four was a girl?).

That summer, surrounded by porno, we played games, watched cartoons, and threw towels over our backs pretending we were the Superfriends. My grandmother, oblivious to it all, still swears that it never happened. But trust me, for an entire summer (I don't remember ever taking the pictures down, but I don't remember them outside of that 2nd grade summer either) we played innocent games to the backdrop of some of the dirtiest porno imaginable. Somehow, in a totally twisted way, I've always considered that a happy memory.

General Specific

2005-10-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

So 1010Wins, the AM news station with addictive and accurate(if repetitive) news, has spent the last hour reporting on "specific threats" that were discovered against the railroads and the subways of NYC. They've been cycling the same couple of stories for the past hour(I know, I've been driving) and it whole thing irked me enough that I drove home and logged on before I took a wiz.

The first thing that's upsetting me(not angering me...someone's got the market cornered on frustration masked as anger) is that I keep hearing that the threat was incredibly specific, except the only information they're sharing is that it was against the railroads and that it was "bomb" related. I know that the authorities may have there reasons for withholding information, but then WHY do they HAVE to even mention the word specific? It's like telling somebody you know a secret and then not telling them. Those are the most annoying people in the world and this situation reeks of it. If you have a secret, fine. But there's no need to hint at it. Just tell us a threat has been made and leave it at that.

The whole lack of specific information is not 1010Wins fault, but I blame them for a different sort of stupidity. They've been interviewing people at Penn Station and Jamaica Station and asking them how this new information(what's been released of it..grumble) is going to affect their lives. One lady was there to pick up her kids, so it's already affected her life, but for the most part the interviewer is interviewing people who rely on trains to get to work.

HOW DO YOU THINK THEY ARE GOING TO ANSWER? One woman said she was going to "keep an eye out" for suspicious looking packages and characters. Haven't we been doing that since 9/11? And not for nothing, these are blue collar, working class people who NEED the subways/trains to make a living. Most of the interviewed said it would not affect there daily routine but that they'd be "extra precautious".

HOW DOES ONE DO THAT? Are we looking for the man with the mustache with the package with the bomb in it? Hell, if I were a terrorist I'd be wearing a Yankee jersey and a pair of Levi's. We've been trained to ignore these people(and Yankee fans should be ignored).

To anybody who wants to help: Grab your gun, head out onto the subway and start blasting those terrorists disguised as Yankee fans. There's a chance you might just shoot an innocent Yankee fan, but knowing Yankee fans, that would be no great loss.

"Real" strange

2005-10-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

Four years of college in NYC and my stint at MTV allowed me to cross paths with a fair share of "celebrities". I saw Samuel L. Jackson hugging a red haired woman at 51st and Broadway, saw Al Pacino drive by in the passenger seat of a car, stood behind Ethan Hawke on line while he bought an Arizona Iced Tea at the Belly Deli, passed Michael Ian Black almost every day for the first two years of college on 23rd street, had Perry Farrell tell me my eyes were beautiful at the premier for the Howard Stern movie, sat next to Keri Russel on a bench while she was between publicity photos for her upcoming show "Felicity", saw K.C.(used to be on the Howard Stern show) jogging down 9th avenue, shared an elevator with MTV veejay John Norris on more than one occassion, and met the guy who did the voice for Piglet.

And those are just the ones that came to me while writing that sentence(if we can call it that). The thing is, if you live in NY or visit the city regularly, you are bound to cross paths with a celebrity of some sort. Whether they're at an event or just buying an iced tea at the Belly Deli, you're in NYC so you expect that kind of thing. I can imagine that Ethan Hawke was in town on business or that he had some big apartment close by. I had never seen a celebrity that I couldn't stick into some sort of context that made sense to me.

And then, while eating dinner at Applebee's the other night, I saw Johanna from the current version of "The Real World". Is she a celebrity? Hardly. But she's recognizable to those who recognized her and that meant half of the restaurant. A table full of teenagers had their cellphone cameras aimed at her for practically her entire meal. My girlfriend, who had never seen a "celebrity" outside of the television/movie screen was giddy, and I didn't know what to make of it.

I didn't feel bad for the girl. She sent in the tape and, in doing so, HAD to recognize the fact that if she were to become on of the lucky 7, and she was, that her life was going to be a little less private then it was before. But at the same time she didn't need me not to feel bad for her...she loved every second of it. I thought, "Would I be able to eat my Cowboy burger with a circle of sweaty teenagers pointing their Nextels at my face?"

No, I would not. Scarily enough, in October of 96 my friend Danny and I both sent in audition tapes and I'm sure the only reason I wasn't picked was because my ears aren't very camera friendly.

The strange thing about it was that this girl from "The Real World" was at the same Applebee's that I have eaten at almost every other week for the past year(that's a sad post in and of itself). I could stick all of the celebrities I've seen in my life into a happy little context, but seeing her five minutes from my house was just weird. She took pictures with the waitresses. I had buffalo wings. Everything else was normal except the hot Peruvian from MTV was riling up all of the teenagers...and my girlfriend.

The next day I saw a guy who looked just like Don Knotts at the bagel store, but it wasn't him. He wasn't furly enough to be Mr. Knotts.

Off the shelf

2005-10-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

When I find time, I'll post. When I don't, I won't.

On the shelf

2005-09-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Life has gotten busy. Incredibly busy. School is back in session, my night job never stops, the gym on the weekends, two college courses, and the possibility of dropping all three of those because someone is offering me too much money NOT to take a job as a restaurant manager.

This is good and bad. Good because the busier I am, the less time I have to "dwell" on things(and I am the dweller of all dwellers) and bad because this blog has become the neglected wife/dog/whathaveyou that I never wanted it to be.

Seriously blog, it's not you...it's me.

Anyway, updates will be sporadic at best, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or the blog. If anything, treat it like Ben Affleck's character treated the departure of Matt Damon's character at the end of Good Will Hunting. You, the reader, are in the role of Ben Affleck, and I will be the mathematical delinquent genius, Will Hunting.

So, the next time you read this blog, I want you to knock a couple of times, look through the window, smirk, and then head back to your car to start your long day at the asbestos ridden construction site.

I've got to see about a girl...or Madden.

Fools gold

2005-08-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Where's my money? Where the hell is it?!?!?!

Oh, hi there, didn't notice you. Nice watch. If you're wondering why I'm so upset just click the following link. I thought I was going to be rich, but it turns out, I'm not.

http://www.ifccfbi.gov/strategy/wn050822.asp

Seriously, how many old people are losing their life savings right now? I mean, old people with email accounts.

Old.

Broken Flowers

2005-08-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Quick review: If you like movies with long silences, lengthy closeups of Bill Murray in thought, highway montages, and characters sitting around in uncomfortable quiet, then this is the movie for you.

If not, stay away

Rating: C+

Freddie?

2005-08-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Click the following link at your own peril. And I'm not responsible for whatever clothing you may ruin when you throwup all over yourself.

http://abc.go.com/primetime/schedule/2005-06/freddie.html

Who was steering the car that drove the idea behind this mess? And Brian Austin Green? The commercial alone was enough to have me tasting eggs at 4 that I had eaten at 10.

I can't believe what passes for a sitcom these days. Is there one first-run comedy on TV right now that's worth it's weight in laughs? Only one on network TV and that's Arrested Development. And as great as that show is, it's not enough to tip the scales that are heavily weighed down by awful, awful crap. Scrubs deserves honorable mention, but I can't keep up with the 19 time slot changes and apparently neither could anybody else as it's become a midseason replacement.

John Ritter must be rolling over in his grave. TV comedy is almost as dead as he is. Not that his last sitcom was anything to write home about, but Three's Company heals all wounds.

Hell, I'd rather watch a revamped version of Three's Company with the original cast(complete with dug up Ritter) than sit down to watch a second of "Freddie".

And people complain about Reality TV? TV Comedy is on life support and Jason Bateman's holding the plug.

The new Green Day video is touching points to heart

2005-08-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

If you get a chance(I'm looking for a link as we speak), try and catch it.

Wake Me Up When September Ends is the name of the song BTW.

EDIT: Just head to MTV.COM and head to the videos section.

Useless information

2005-08-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm crammed with it. I was cleaning up the babysitting room at the gym this morning and a song came on the television that sounded an awful lot like the song "Time To Change" which was featured in an episode of the Brady Bunch. I used to watch a lot of Brady Bunch as a kid, but I shouldn't know the lyrics to the entire song, should I?

Well, I do. I know the whole freakin song and I hate myself for it. Some people have some very interesting thoughts trapped inside their skulls and what the hell do I have?

Autumn turns to winter
and then winter turns to spring
It's not just for seasons you know
it goes for everything

It's even true for voices
when boys begin to grow
You've got to take a lesson from mother nature
and if you do you'll know

When it's time to change
then it's tim....

You see? That was all from my head...and I'm pretty sure it's all spot on. So's the rest of it if I were to go that far.

Can I cry yet?

Do I know you?

2005-08-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

So I work at a gym and that's enough background information to start this story off. During every shift I periodically check on the condition of the bathroom(men and women's) which includes a quick glance at the floor, a paper towel check, and a toilet paper check. Anyway, the other day as I'm checking the stalls for rolls of toilet paper(to make sure they have them), some random guy says to me, "Checkin' for queers?"

Was that wrong of him? Should I have laughed or given him a high five? At what point did he think that was funny? What if I were gay? What if I were the gayest man to ever walk the planet?

Every shift I speak with a ton of people and some I talk to for more than a minute. The bathroom commentator is not one of them. Those were his first words to me...ever. Shouldn't you know a person or feel the situation out before revealing THAT side of your personality?

Just wondering. Because it just didn't seem like our relationship had advanced to that point and I'm worried that maybe, it's just me.

fap fap goose

2005-08-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Not that I'm trying to pry here, but have any of you been incredibly horny this week? And for those of you nodding "yes", is it more than usual? Just wondering because twice in the past week I've caught a man pleasuring himself in public. Granted they were both retarded, but still, after three years of working in the field it's the first time I've ever seen it.

Just wondering...

To be honest, between the stress of finding work, my stupid car troubles, and the upcoming semester, I've been as horny as a percussion section. So I'm not the best judge of "out of the ordinary" horniness at the moment. Why did I quote "out of the ordinary"? I don't know.

And for those of you who think that stumbling upon a man mastubating is all glitz and glamour, it's not. It's actually really, really weird.

Best Month Over

2005-08-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

For two reasons. One, I fell too many days back to want to write about last Thursday and even if I did, it would be watered down and rushed. Two, the concept is better as a reality than as a blog. The change of attitude has done me well the past three weeks, but I've found myself avoiding this blog because I just couldn't bring myself to want to begin writing about Day 12.

Plus, the only blog more creatively restricting on the net' is that Angry Chad one. No wonder I had to read the word "Chip-tople" for two weeks straight. How do you do it, man?

Anyway, I promise to never let my blog become anything other than the random mess it was always intended to be.

And THAT'S a promise I can keep.

Dana Plato.

Best Month Ever: Day 11

2005-08-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Day 11: Tuesday

I woke up, packed for Block Island(arrangements had been made to spend a couple of days there), got ready for my interview, and sat around the house in a suit for a couple of minutes waiting for Kristen to wake up. She drove me to the interview and gave me a quick kiss for luck as I left the car. A blowjob and a body massage wouldn't have been enough to save the disaster of an interview that followed. I was fine until I sat down with the Principal, one of their elementary art teachers, and a random music teacher. At that point, they spent 30 seconds rummaging through papers and in that 30 seconds I forgot why I was even there. I'm serious. I totally blanked and I was incredibly aware of it at the time. The first ten minutes involved each of the three asking questions and me staring out the window hoping for the world to end. I was amazingly conscious of how bad it was going and I couldn't make it stop. Around the ten minute mark we were all confused and at that point, somebody laughed for some reason and it eased the awkwardness that was oozing out of my every pore. During the last 20 minutes I relaxed and reverted to my normal charming self. I answered questions with ease and not only did I answer them, I answered them better than I thought I could have. Despite all of that, I'm sure I won't be getting the job because of the incredibly huge hole I dug for myself during the first ten minutes of that interview.

It's funny, normally I'd be replaying the interview in my mind all day long, agonizing over every single mistake and kicking myself over them, but I'm not. I actually find it quite hilarious that I was so incredibly awful. I've NEVER had such a horrible interview before(If you ask me, I don't think I've ever even had a bad interview), but those first ten minutes were death. With Block Island immediately after the interview I guess it was easy to distract myself from the trainwreck, but even tonight, as I write this, I smile a little thinking about how bad I choked.

We made the 4 O'clock ferry to New London and caught the 5:40 ferry from New London to Block Island. My aunt was at the dock to greet us and drove us to the the house she had rented. It was the cutest little country house, but so is every other house on Block Island. I have never been there before, but it's really a charmed location. We ate dinner at a restaurant whos name escapes me at the moment, took a stroll around the pier, lost track of time and sat around talking about nothing until midnight. I slipped into bed around 12:15 and didn't fall asleep for over an hour. The island was so quiet it was disturbing. I could hear people talking down the block when normally that conversation would be drowned by the hum of the highway and a million other sounds I've sadly grown accustom to.

Best Month Ever: Day 10

2005-08-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

Day 10: Monday

Garfield hates mondays, but Garfield is a terribly unfunny comic strip so I make it a point to enjoy them in protest. In the morning I took out my friend Joseph(his mom pays me 15 dollars an hour to hang out with him. She offered 20, but I felt awful charging anything to begin with), and played Laser Tag for the first time in ten years. Joseph, handicap and all, proved to be quite the competitor and although I won(TAKE THAT FOOL!), we had quite the one on one at the O.K. Corral(if the O.K. Corral were a green and red fluorescent tronnish ripoff). I also drove a bumper car for the first time in a while, and while I rocked Joseph around, got pwned myself by a group of giggling girls(all under the age of 10).

Work was work, and looking forward to an interview I had on Tuesday, spent the rest of the night rotating between my Froglock Mage(now a level 6) and staring out the window longingly.

Best Month Ever: Day 9

2005-08-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

Day 9: Sunday

Kristen wakes me up at 7:15 asking if I want to catch the 8am ferry because the crowded boat cabin is hot and none of us could get some sleep. Her friend Heather slept over, but not before she messed around with a guy she didn't even like at 9pm(what a difference 5 hours makes). We all head home, I grab an egg sandwich(hours after a hamburger and I feel sick), and fall asleep until one.

At one, all beached out, we decide to drive to the Cheesecake Factory which we have been putting off for at least 2 years. We always talk about going, but the drive, combined with the incredibly long waits that are par for the place, always change our mind. Anyway, we go, the food is great, but the waiter takes great offense(is it offence?), to our wanting every portion of the meal bagged. We never bag appetizers, but the nacho plate was so big, and so good, that I figured it would be just the thing to heat up around 11pm(eating during Seinfeld is a good thing, right?). When he came back with the nachos bagged he tossed them from a great height and they came crashing down with the weight of a thousand babies. I decided at that point to take a buck off the tip, but later on forgot about it when he proved to be rather charming during Kristen's cheesecake selection. I hate cheesecake because it tastes like cheesecake.

I picked up Everquest 2 before dinner and spent the rest of the night rotating between my Froglock mage and cleaning the room.

Best Month Ever: Day 8

2005-08-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

This entry is written almost a week removed from day number eight and while that may leave for some vague details, I'm not a filthy, filthy pothead so it shouldn't be too bad.

Day 8:Saturday

I made arrangements for someone else to work my 7am-10am shift. It was the first day of the English Premier League and Manchester United was actually going to be playing live on Fox Soccer Channel and being the idiot I am, I couldn't just tape it and watch it later. I sit through the game, a victory, hit the bank, treat my brother to breakfast, watch another EPL game(Liverpool/Middlesbrough), let my brother talk me into wanting Everquest 2, and was ABOUT to watch a third EPL game when the stupid channel flashed the score(the game had been played hours earlier) and ruined it for me. Why would Fox Soccer Channel flash the score of a game they haven't aired yet? That makes no sense to me.

So by 3 o'clock, thanks to some idiocy on the part of FSC, I had my life back. No longer mentally chained to English football, I was free to play Winning Eleven 8 until it was time to take the ferry over to Fire Island. Kristens father has a boat there and every year, during August, they have a huge fireworks display. Oddly enough, they don't do jack for the Fourth of July. Anyway, I run into one of the two people I actually enjoy talking to from high school, drink a bit, watch the fireworks(a really crummy display BTW...worst I've seen in three years from them), hit the bar, get annoyed with one too many obnoxious drunks, buy a hamburger and fall asleep on page 202 of "Among the Thugs".

Best Month Ever: Day 7

2005-08-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

Day 7 has just hit 12:21pm and if it weren't for a buzz happy barber, this entry wouldn't have even been thought about until sometime tomorrow. But as it were...

How, you say, can my ears seem any bigger? Easy. BUZZCUT MY ENTIRE HEAD!

About an hour ago I walked into the local barber shoppe(shoh pee) and took a seat next to the three men who had, from the looks of it, been waiting all morning for a haircut. I didn't even get a chance to pop the top on my sugar free Red Bull when the spanisher of the two barbers asked if I wanted a haircut. The others were all waiting on the balder of the two barbers so, guilt free, I skipped ahead and onto the chair.

"What do you like me to do today?" he said.

"Um, uh, just go shorter, but not so much shorter that my head seems shaved."

"buh? he said.

"Cut the hair (I made a circular motion above my head) up here shorter and go a bit shorter on the sides. But I don't want it to look shaved."

"And the front you want longer?" he said.

"No. That's okay. It always curls up on me and then I'm like (I pretend to supress the curls near the front of my face) or like (I pretend to push the curls back towards the rear of my head)."

"Ah(he chuckles)," he said.

Ten seconds later....Woosh. A razor, I'm guessing at a number 2 clip, shoots right back from the top of my forehead to the base of my spine. I would link you to a picture of "Hawk"(R.I.P) from the Legion of Doom(AKA: Road Warriors), but I'm to lazy. Needless to say, for those who can picture it, I looked just like that. It was not, as they say, a rush.

But, questioning everything I might've said to the barber, I let him finish(the entire time debating whether or not I had instructed him to remove all signs of hair). Plus, what was I going to say after the middle strip of my scalp was removed? To top it off I still tipped him the usual, or MY usual, and left him none the wiser.

Anyway, it'll grow back. It's not THAT bad. But still, I feel like Tom Cruise in "Minority Report" or worse..Pauly Shore in "In the Army Now". The real bitch of it is that I was always saving my first head shaving for if and when a family member got cancer. I've always admired people who do that. It's um, supportive....or something.

Best Month Ever: Day 6

2005-08-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me, while writing Day's 1 and 2 of my ill planned "Best Month Ever" blogger project, that it might get incredibly repetitive and boring. Writing about mundane, trivial events(and worse, READING about them) might be the worst thing this world has to offer(besides Cameron Diaz). But, I foolishly figured, that if I spiced the posts up with a bit o' comedy and kept em' fresh, that it might be an enjoyable experience for all involved.

I was wrong. Oh well...

Day 6: Did this, did that. Ate this, ate that. Ten minutes of cornfilled stoolage(I'll never forget where I came from) and at some point I went to bed.

Random thought

2005-08-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

There have been many annoying characters in television history (Buddy Lembeck, Eddie Haskell, Cousin Oliver, Screech), but one has always pissed me off and it wasn't until today that I figured out why.

How come Bluto, from Popeye, is always just considered to be a bully? Think about it. How freakin annoying would it be to come home from work to, once again, find that your girlfriend has been kidnapped or harrassed. What the hell was that assholes problem? Time after time Popeye would whoop him and that idiot would continue to try and steal his girlfriend. In the hood, that kind of shit would get you shot. I'm just saying.....

At least Buddy Lembeck was the type of idiot you could dead leg and he'd stop. Bluto was annoying AND persistent.

Best Month Ever: Day 5

2005-08-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

"Evar" will from now on revert to its less internetty form of "ever". My girlfriend was asking too many questions and I didn't have any answers that were good enough for her.

Anyway, on to day 5

1000am: Wake up,(although I've got to start waking up earlier...I'm going to bed late enough, but this 10 am business is starting to make me feel....bummy?), watch the Dawson's Creek finale(which was a complete disappointment and that's saying something), and eat a lowfat muffin(that must've been made of glue, blueberries, and dough because it was sticking to the tips of my fingers). Enough parenthesis for ya?
1200pm: Hit the gym. An hour of cardio, minimal weights. It was supposed to be my off day, but Saturday brings the EPL with it and I know I won't be thinking about the gym once I'm glued to the many, many games.
100pm: Dick around, eat Tuna fish(again), write the basic outline of my South Park script that will be entered to the next Scriptapalooza contest. It will win. It's got Bob Vila, Caricatures of the Extreme Home Makeover Team (one of them is Mr. Slave's cousin), and Jesus taking flack for being a crappy carpenter(they expect more from the son of one).
300pm: Go to work, do my job, nothing unusual about the shift. Well, unless you count the absence of many, many stories about double teaming girls and lingerie parties.

Most nights I work with a guy who is from a totally different world then I, most of us actually, am from. I've heard some of the most sordid sex stories (some which use the word "train" as a verb instead of a noun) that any man will ever hear. A few months ago he supposedly "shared" his cousins girlfriend while his cousin was in the next room. I was shocked over the total lack of respect to a family member, but he said that his cousin was the one who told him to do it. ANd while most of us consider a side dish to be something that accompanies and entree, he considers it to be one of the many girls that he sleeps with on the side(the man tells me every night that he is "loyal" to his "girl"). I've got to get this man a dictionary.

800pm: RIGHT NOW. Chicken Kabobs and Corn(one of which I have to start barbecuing...Kristen is tapping her feet in the kitchen as I type).

Oh well, that's day 5 down and unless something miraculous happens in the next 4 hours, this is the last you'll hear of it.

Best Month Evar: Days 3 and 4

2005-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

I'm combining days (again) because the schedule was basically the same.

1000am:Wake up, eat oatmeal, watch Dawsons Creek
1115am: Hit the gym(Actual workout averages an hour and a half...the rest is bullshitting with people I know)
130pm: Shower after gym, eat lunch (tuna/celery/PEPPER), dick around
300pm: Work with the boys. We go bowling, eat at Mcdonalds(not me), and read at Barnes and Noble(I read. They just kind of stare off into space).
800pm: Off of work, get home, check internet, dick around, TV (no videogames for some reason).
1200am(Tuesday only): Watch History of Manchester United video to get me ready for start of the EPL this Saturday.

The Best Month Evar has quickly hit a wall, but hope is not lost for optimal calenderificnous. We've still got 27 days to top any other month evar.

Plus, the daily TBS repeats of Dawsons Creek have finally circled around to the series finale which will (I'm guessing) be on tomorrow at 1000am. And no best ANYTHING would be complete without that.

WTF is right

2005-08-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I've posted this all over the place today, but it kills me everytime I hear it. Anyone familiar with the Ducktales theme song should get a chuckle at least.

http://uncutohh.ytmnd.com/

It's just....wow. The wacky translation is probably what puts it over the top. When they get to the "bake a cake" part and the guy is giving it his all, I just die.

I honestly haven't laughed like this in a while and I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.

Pepper rocks

2005-08-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

Pepper on eggs, pepper steak, pepper in tuna, Dr. Pepper, pepper on macaroni salad (the way Kristen's mom makes it), pepper on pizza, pepper...oni?

Yeah, pepper pwns salt.

BTW, I heard that if you take a fingerful of tobasco sauce up the butt it will result in an allnight erection. Just a helpful hint. Always trying to help. You know me.

Best Month Evar: Days 1 and 2

2005-08-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

Late Friday night I decided that this past Saturday was going to be the start of the best month evar. While I can't gaurantee that the next 31 days are going to result in an amazing run of luck or memories that will last a life time, I can gaurantee that I will consider it the best month evar until the last second of the 31st day. It's all in the walk, right?

Anyway, Since days one and two both consisted of family (her's) barbecues, I'm going to lump the both of them into one post (although I'm counting them as two different days as the rest of the world must've).

DAY(s) 1 and 2:

Saturday: Woke up at 6:30, ate a half toasted (was in a rush) Lite English Muffin and opened the gym by 7. Regular people, regular music, regular shift. Worked out afterwards and signed up for a spin class, which would be my first, scheduled for 8:30 Sunday morning. I have been spinning by myself for the past three weeks, but taking crap from people (my aunt mainly) about not being a "real" spinner. "Real" spinners, apparently, are people who spin during a class taught by an instructor. Fair enough. I signed up for a class with an instructor that I know pretty well. I've heard good things about her class and she's a damn funny lass to boot.

Oh, for those of you who don't know. Spinning is the most addictive form of cardio there is on this planet. Basically it's an ordinary stationary bike, but in place of a wheel is a fifty pound weight. You sweat your ass off over the course of an hour and for some reason, want to get back on the bike the minute you get off (the bike, you perverts).

By 4 O'Clock I was at Kristen's fathers BBQ and past all of the hellos and how are yous. Of course, I'm the only one over 16 in the pool and Kristens cousin Scott and I engage in a spirited game of pool basketball. I "Shaqed" my way to victory 11-5. Sometimes a 30-40 lb. weight differential can be a good thing. We eat. We play horseshoes. We leave.

UFC is on at 9 and while Kristen nods off (encouraged by nagging tooth pain), I stay up and watch. While it wasn't the best night of fights I've seen, it was still UFC and as I've come to find out, UFC kicks ass. Now that they are on "free" TV they are going to blow up. I was never a big fan of Mixed Martial Arts, but that's only because I didn't know what I was missing. From the four or so events I've seen, UFC is just hands down better than anything that boxing has to offer. If they had offered their programming over free TV before now, they would be huge. I don't know what they were thinking going with this all PPV thing for as long as they did. SUCK US IN BEFORE you start charging us! As it is, expect it to catch on. It's just THAT good. I've seen 7 knockouts in three weeks. I think I've seen that from boxing in ten years (but I do miss watching the men hug). Plus, the fights are just so intense and every single one of the fighters I've seen has shown tremendous heart (even when getting kneed in the face).

I fell asleep around 12:30. Was it the best start to the best month evar? No, but it wasn't bad either.

Sunday: Woke up at 7:45, decided that I didn't feel like getting up and missed the spin class. Oh well, next Sunday. REALLY woke up at 10:00am. Got dressed and ready to head out to Kristen's nephews baptism. He cried the entire time, but I couldn't blame him. He was dressed up like some little prince of a Northern European country circa 1650. The kids cute, but I couldn't pull that outfit off even if I shaved my legs (and I've got great legs). Anyway, another BBQ, but this one includes a 12 team (24 man) horseshoe tournament and I am partnered up with some guy I don't know (who turned out to be a seriously nice guy BTW...looked just like Ethan Hawke too).

BACKSTORY: For the past three years I've kind of been the butt of the jokes as far as backyard horseshoes is concerned. I started playing with Kristens family (all seasoned veterans of the game) and sucked for an entire summer. Last summer, I wasn't so bad, but I wasn't so good either. It wasn't until my brother got fired from his job for fighting with his boss that anyone even bothered to show me how to throw one correctly (we had a lot of time to kill during the day). Anyway, by the end of last summer I was halfway decent, but couldn't climb out of the pile of jokes that were still being rained down on top of me from Kristens entire horseshoe playing family.

Well, guess freakin what. Me and my partner, after an 11-2 loss in the first round of a double elimination tournament, ended up going to the finals where we got beat by Kristens father(a great horseshoer) and his partner 11-7. We beat a lot of guys who brought a WHOLE lot of trashtalk, we beat Kristen's sisters husband (who has done his share of dumping on me), and I couldn't have been happier with the way the tourney turned out. Especially, once the compliments started to replace the jokes around Round 3.

Just want to add that every single joke that's been thrown at me has been lighthearted and in good fun, but it was still nice to stop the comedy. It was nice to get some sort of respect after three years of being snickered at. I am shoe.

We headed home only to find out that VH1's reality shows were all repeats for the evening and circled around for something else to do for a couple of hours. We stopped circling right around 11:30 when we both fell asleep (but not before I played a quick game of Winning Eleven).

The Best Month Evar has started to show the potential to live up to it's name. I'll write about today tomorrow...wrestling's coming on.

But I was gonna wear a condom!...

2005-08-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

...is going to go down as the line of the summer of 2005. We have most of August left, but I can safely assume that nothing anyone, even any of YOU, say will top it.

Anyway, the backstory is in this post entry by my darling girlfriend Kristen http://specialk5663.blogspot.com/2005/08/this-weekend-my-friend-heather-and-her.html

Basically, her friend's boyfriend had planned a trip to Amsterdam for the first week of August (he's there now) and it was agreed upon by her friend and him that while he was there he could do whatever he wanted to do.

And let's face it, half of the reason ANYONE goes to Amsterdam is to smoke weed legally. The other half? Whores. Lots of whores.

So the "whores" part is where this gets interesting. Apparently she had given him the ok to partake in the pleasures of the red light district and gave him the big thumbs up to go window shopping for some good old fashioned whores. Cut to a month later and she starts to feel like maybe that wasn't the best idea and tells him so. She tells him that she feels really close to him and seeing as how they've gotten serious that she would rather him not bang a whore (or twelve).

His response(and winner for line of the summer of 2005)?

"BUT I WAS GONNA WEAR A CONDOM!

I know a lot of people long for the days where movies cost a nickel, families ate dinner together and firemen pulled cats down out of trees, but I, for one, am glad to know that there are still some true gentlemen left on this rotting planet.

Well, wouldn't you know it (and I freakin CALLED it), two days before he's set to leave he starts picking fights with her and one of them leads to the both of them deciding to call it quits.

Ten bucks that he calls her the second he gets back and "swears" that he was thinking about her the entire time he was there (so much so, that he couldn't squeeze in a few whores during his stay). And what do I say to that?

At least he was gonna wear a condom.

Among the Thugs

2005-08-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've read the first 30 pages on the toilet (seperate sittings) and it's already proven to be a great purchase. It's about the hooliganism of the European soccer fan(circa early 80's) and the author, so far, has described every event, person, and gross detail so vividly, it makes Tolkien's description of Lothlorien seem like a half assed summary of a crappy forest.

I may be the target audience for this book (as my fascination with European Football continues to peak), but it's a great read for anyone interested in grizzly characters and "actual" real life ones at that. Go to amazon and read the reviews, they'll go into more detail than I'm going to do. This is just a heads up.

Oh, and I keep all of my books in pristine condition. I'm talking healthy spines, no bent pages, no weird circular beverage container stains...nothing. But I'm just dying to ding this book up! It reads and looks like a book that should be filthy, bent to hell, and spit on. It should probably smell a little too.

Either way, pick it up or don't, it won't make the loss of my beta, "Creama", any easier to deal with.

Spunk Farm

2005-08-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

If you spend a Friday night with Kristen and I you will most likely be surrounded by some greasy food (tonight it was pizza), an awful toothache(what else is new, Kris?), and eventually 20/20. Kris is addicted to the show. She's a sucker for that mustached moron John Stossel (sp..although I don't care). Anyway, tonight I was treated to a two for one as we happened to catch Dateline BEFORE 20/20 came on (Huzzah!)!

Which leads me to this rant which may or may not include punctuation or capital letters....

CAN WE ALL PLEASE GET PAST THE SHOCKING FACT THAT THE INTERNET IS FULL OF PORNO? Tonight, yet another "disturbing" story of how porno has invaded the homes of middle America and a bunch of people that have been greatly offended.

Long story short: A mom in the middle of nowhere opened up a random email and it linked her to a picture of a girl fucking a horse (or a dog...they blurred the link). Not content to just close the link and get on with her middle of nowhere life, she felt the need to call 20/20 and share her outrage with the show. As luck would have it, 20/20 was just itching to do another "internet porno no no" type of segment and jumped on the story. They traced the email back further and further and further until they found the person who had sent it and in the end the sender apologized. Still, the segment was intercut with the woman and her friends whining about how porno has invaded their homes through the internet (note to offended mom: check your husband's bottom drawer for WAY worse). Don't hold me to this quote but one shocked mom was upset about how the internet and pornography was corrupting our youth. Hey lady, without it, your dumb kid would be spanking it to the underwear section in the Sears Christmas Catalogue..trust me, I know.

Is there anything else to say to these people other than don't open random emails or don't use the internet? That's why I have a junk mail filter you stupid offended mom!

Oh, and as we speak John Stossel is trying see if professional artists give the thumbs up to a bunch of finger paintings painted by 4 year olds. He's trying to be clever, but this segment was played out ten years ago...is it his stupid voice that's supposed to be funny? And wasn't this the basis for an entire episode of Full House?

Have mercy!

I want to be a dentist.

2005-08-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I can't stand radio stations or people that are amused by a Sir Mix-A-Lot reference and I really can't stand when I hear that song he is famous for either. I love it when someone gets the vaguest of references and I don't come off looking like a weirdo. I can't stand it when the person in front of you could've turned nine times already and yet you are both stuck waiting to leave the same parking lot. I love it when my dog shows me how smart he is and even more amazing is that he understands some of the words we speak (Sit? I will never understand a damn thing he barks, yet he can grasp sit?). I love waking up at 10am and watching really awful Dawson's Creek episodes, yet hate the feeling afterwards when I realize how much of my life I'm wasting doing so. I'm also not fond of the cringe inducing dialogue the writers crammed down the actors throats on the show either, yet the phrase "cramming down throats" and the image of Katie Holmes works for me. I am not a Scientologist and I have no real objections to people who are. Although I probably should for some reason.

I hate how I'm ready for work twenty minutes before I have to be, yet when the time to leave comes I have like 19 things I have to do (one of which is always finding my car keys).

I love rainy days. I hate rainy days. Hate is a strong word, but I'm tired of using weak words like tired.

This is what happens when you don't have internet access for a few days and blog too fast....

Snapple Cap "Real Fact" #193

2005-08-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won't happen again until 6009.

I can't freakin wait...

Snapple Cap "Real Fact" #115

2005-07-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Bamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet.

The other one percent is the cornfilled stools of Middle Eastern dictators.

Ladybugs didn't suck!

2005-07-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Almost everybody I know has been told they look like somebody (somebody meaning a "celebrity") and I'm no different. I've been told I look like Rob Thomas, Dustin Diamond (notice I didn't mention him first), Elijah Wood, Tobey Mcgwire, and that dude who did Stifler's mom in the "American Pie" movies. But of all of the comparisons I've rolled my eyes about there is one that just smacked me in the face and made me take a closer look in the mirror.

I really do look like a young Rodney Dangerfield.

And thanks to my friend Danny from SVA for pointing it out. If I ever see him again, I'll have to thank him because I didn't get the chance to or want to after the comparison was originally made.

But on to more important revelations...If I ever won a billion dollars (or a sum so large that I didn't have to do anything ever again) I finally figured out what I'd do with my life. I'd go back to college. And after I graduated from it, I'd go back again. And again. And again. I just miss being a student. I mean technically I am still in the Masters Program at my college, but I guess I miss being a student of classes that I'm actually interested in. I'm at the point where I'm bogged down in requirement classes and don't have the leeway (or the money) to look into any interesting electives. If I ever won a gajillion dollars, I would spend the rest of my life taking really interesting electives at random colleges all around the world. I miss subjects like "History of Cinema"(which I only got to take half a year of and we ended the first half on "Singing in the Rain") and I miss classes like "Ancient Mythology" (which, without the tests, was probably the best class I took during my sophomore year). I still remember the day my "History of Drama" (yeah, electives are wiffleballs at SVA) teacher showed "On the Waterfront" and pointed out the scene where Brando is talking to the blonde and she is trying to walk away. The blonde is trying to ignore him and go about her day, but Brando's character is interested and trying to flirt with her. Anyway, the scene works because the girl drops her glove and Brando puts it on his own hand. Thanks to my old drama teacher I know that the glove wasn't supposed to be dropped in the scene, but Brando played with the mistake and turned it into something magnificent.

See? That's the kind of crap I miss. Stupid, pointless elective crap.

On a side note, wouldn't "CU in September!" be an awesome slogan for a college pamphlet? Not like Notre Dame, but like Colorado University....

I think it's catchy.

Kristen doesn't have cancer

2005-07-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

She just got back from the place where you go to find out if you have cancer and, good news, she doesn't. She does have a toothache however, but it's Thursday so I would've assumed she would anyway. Her mouth is only pain free between 1:45am-3:36am on Sundays. I have no teeth problems. I am god. But she doesn't have cancer and that's a bonus in this god's life.

Although, since she'll probably blow my spot and comment on it(the tooth reference would be enough for her), I did wake up from my wisdom tooth removal yelling and crying. I was hysterical. I had never gone under before and I never want to again. Two cops just happened to be in the dentists office during my breakdown and in my delirium I asked them if they were "there for me" and of course the one cop was like "should we be?" I've only cried a few times in the last couple of years and two of them were on account of "Life As A House". If I ever need a leg amputated I'm going to stick a towel in my mouth and bite down.

I smell like sweat. It's dried up all over me. I have to work at 3 and I should probably shower before then. But I hate showering on even days and I hate brushing my teeth on the odd ones. Plus, I must be the only one I know who loves the wicked aftertaste of the Diet Lemon Snapple.

Until next time, don't get cancer!

Snapple cap "Real Fact" #102

2005-07-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

I tried to talk her into it, but my mom's not that into working out. Oh well....

It's not the internet, it's me

2005-07-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

We lost our internet connection sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning and all of the phones in our house as well (they both run through the same modem) and it wasn't until today, randomly I might add, that both the internet and our phones were restored.

Last week I whined about how the internet is a big reason as to why I don't get enough done. I'd like to apologize to the internet and it's family for any harm I may have caused and make it clear that the internet has nothing to do with my unproductiveness. The fact of the matter is that without internet I still wasted a remarkable amount of time the past few days.

I watched movies (Team America kicked ass), played videogames (Fight Night Round 2 mostly), and hit the gym (which is productive, but not in the way I mean). I did very little writing and absolutely NO drawing. I used to be driven. What the hell happened? I know I saluted glass half full thinking in a previous entry, but I'm still struggling to apply it to my everyday life.

Anyway, I apologize to the internets and take responsibility for my severe case of procrastination involving everything I want to do in life.

Oh well, here's to that glass half full thing again and a shitload of productivity from now on....starting tomorrow.

Dodging death and working out

2005-07-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who pick a penny up off of the ground believing that it may just lead to some good luck. I've never actually been able to link any of my good luck to any of the thousands of pennys I have picked up over the years, but i still believe in the practice none the less. Besides, everytime I crouch down to pick one up I always imagine that the bullet that was intended for my skull only missed killing me because I stopped to pick up the "good luck" penny. I can just picture my would be assassin cursing his luck, reloading his sniper rifle, and shaking his fist as I wander out of his line of fire. I know the day that I finally do get gunned down by my imaginary Lee Harvey, it'll be because I didn't stop to pick up a penny that was facing the tails side up. Those aren't good luck, they just suck.

So if you have been hired to kill me and happen to stumble across this blog, just sprinkle a bunch of "tails side up" pennies in my path and take your best shot.

On the gym: I realized today why I like the gym so much. Not only do I honestly feel productive while I'm there, I often visualize successes in other areas that don't necessarily have anything to do with a better body. While I'm there, I can see myself getting that teaching job (which I still haven't heard a thing about yet), I can see both my book and my comic being published, I can see myself succeeding in all aspects of life. Everywhere else I'm rather pessimistic and a glass half empty kind of a person. I don't doubt my talent or who I am, but while I'm at the gym I can see all of these obstacles vanishing while I let my mind wander.

I know it sounds corny and I'm not imagining myself as the President of the United States, but I guess I'm just a much more positive person "mid"work out than I am "pre" and "post" work out.

Here's to a conscious effort to see the glass half full from now on.

And sexy brunettes on crosstrainers don't hurt either....(You don't read my blog anymore, do you Kris?)

The bad...(NYC last Thursday)

2005-07-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

I forgot how bad the city can smell when the heat hits the stinky millions. If I had known how bad it was going to smell I would've brought my little spray bottle of "Fatty Man's Ball Sweat" to sweeten things up. Midtown just reeked.

The village smelled okay, but just looks so much dirtier than I remember it. Maybe as a paint splattered college student the grunge of it seemed cool. Maybe as an art school student I was obligated to worship the village, but god if I didn't hate it on Thursday. We were starving upon arrival and circled around a few blocks looking for a bite to eat. We passed a French Cafe (FREEDOM CAFE!), an organic Burrito place and a couple of other restaurants that just didn't appeal to us. It's weird because some of my fondest city memories involved tripping over a cute little eatery and making it ours for an hour. On Thursday I couldn't have been happier to see the UNO Pizzaria and Grill sign. I just wanted to EAT! I didn't feel like playing Christopher Colombus and discovering some new food. I wasn't in the mood. That being said, I'm glad they had really nice restrooms because I went twice while we were there and ran back five minutes after we left to finish the job. I guess my body only accepts Applebees.

I guess the most annoying thing were all of the people. As someone who used to go to the city every weekday I trained myself to walk with my head facing the ground, but having been out of the loop for so long couldn't help but look up. If I had a dime for every pretentious trendwhore that I passed while in the village I'd have 19.70. I counted. And that label isn't just reserved for the ladies. The men are just as bad. I stuck a qtip in my ear pretty deep and now my body is programmed to karate chop anyone who walks by me in an oversized trucker hat. *CHOP* That's better.

The good...(NYC last Thursday)

2005-07-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

I went to the city last Thursday night to see Tegan and Sara at Webster Hall. They were amazing. That being said, the opening act,"Communique" , stole the show without anyone realizing it. If someone had asked me, "Who stole the show?" I could've easily fingered the five talented musicians and that would've been the end of that mystery, but sadly, nobody asked (and please, we're adults and above fingering jokes). Anyway, Communique is without a doubt the best band I've stumbled across since I stumbled across Army of Me (then known as Cactuspatch) a couple years back. Their sound is a little um, jeez, Beachboysish/punkish/Dexi's Midnight Runnersish? The description sounds odd, but it just works. Depressing lyrics mixed with upbeat songs (for the most part) and they've been circling around my ipod ever since. The only thing I can hold against them is that a couple of songs sound a lot alike and could easily be interchanged.

Tegan and Sara were exactly what I expected and put on a funny little live show. From the concerts I've seen on the net (and now in person) they kind of do this whole back and forth banter between songs that seems too funny to be improvised. Some of it seemed random, but some of it seemed like Abbot and Costello wrote it write before they wrote "Who's On First?".
But musically, they were just brilliant and sounded perfect. I was still recovering from falling in love with the opening act, but I loved them none the less. And it's funny, the two songs I always skip over when they come round' on the shuffle were easily the songs that stood out during the show.

As far as the rest of the good...It was sunny outside.

A typical morning

2005-07-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

We woke up in a little purple room with the sun spying through the blinds. A little pameranian stretched and pressed it's paws against my back. It was time to get up. The old labrador on the floor thought otherwise. The freeze of the air conditioning tightened my nipples as I slid out from under the comforter.

Outside the room, with the two dogs in tow, the heat and humidity breathed heavy on us like a drunken uncle. I let the dogs out. I cooked a couple of eggs and sat down outside. I love eating breakfast before noon. She was still back in the frozen cube of a room. The little dog yapped at whatever it wanted to, which was everything and anything. I threw a tennis ball across the yard and it left a wet impression on the fence. The old lab wanted some of my eggs. The pameranian took off after the ball.

I hadn't put a shirt on yet and who knew if I would. I wondered why any teacher would get dressed during the summer. I've worn flipflops for three weeks and not much else. The old labrador got tired of waiting for a handout and sprawled across the deck.

*end of story*

Have you ever read a random blog? I just browsed a couple of them (for the first time) and the authors TOTALLY romanticized (sp) their entire entries. They all had the essence of a coffee commercial and half of the substance. In fact, by the time I got done reading one particular entry I felt the need to yell, "SEAN LUC!" right in my little pameranians face.

Anyway, the above should've gone a lot more like this...

I woke up to the freezing airconditioning again. It would be nice if for one damn night we didn't have to set the damn thing to "frostbite". But I'm not gonna win that argument. She'd rather sleep under a mountain of blankets. The damn little dog is whining in my ear. I'll let it out. I better let the other one out or he'll just lay there all day and have to go out just as we want to.
We all take a piss (me in the bathroom...but the thought did cross my mind). I eat the egg sandwich that my girlfriend picked up for me before she got home this morning. I'm going to check the internet. I just farted.

I've got to go. That damn dogs yapping at the back door.

Inside the Actors Studio...

2005-07-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

I hate the show. I have almost no interest in hearing the backstory of how some good looking actor just happened to hit it big, while a drooling audience of wannabe/gonnabe actors hang on his or her every word. Actually, the only reason I watch the show is for when they flash back to a smiling audience member and I get to yell out what their future occupation will most likely be.

GAS STATION ATTENDANT!
SECRETARY FOR A NISSAN DEALERSHIP!
STRIPPER!
ICE CREAM MAN!

I hate to stomp on dreams, but it's so painful to watch these stupid audience members all think to themselves, "That's going to be me on that stage one day." I mean, good luck to the one who actually DOES get to sit on that stage, but for the thousands who don't make it?

Do you have anymore Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pops?

Brat Camp

2005-07-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

As I type this, there is a show on ABC called Brat Camp. I have a feeling it's going to be a long drawn out series about how these "troubled" teens cope with life in a harsh environment and how they are inevitably "changed" by the experience. Over the course of the series there will be crying, fighting, yelling, and perhaps even a hint of romance. I'm sure millions will watch the transformations of these troubled teens and weep along with the violins that are sure to be an essential part of the show's soundtrack. The thing is, if I had my way it would be a one-shot deal instead of a series where both the kids and the parents were beaten by a bunch of "truly" troubled teens for the entire hour of the show's existance. I'm talking kids who have been molested by an army of uncles, former crackbabies, starving children from other countries, and maybe the rare combination of all three. It would be nice to see people with real problems get to beat the crap out of people who create their own. It would put these whiny teens and their equally whiny parents in their places and teach them to appreciate the meaning of the word "troubled".

So far this show is just full of spoiled rich kids and their parents who are too terrified to say the word "no". It's funny, because neither can their really, really slutty 7th grade daughter.

Some people wake up in tubs missing their kidneys...

2005-07-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

...others wake up in the middle of a diner with no idea how they got there. My girlfriend, her sister (and her 3 month old baby boy), and yours truly went out to lunch this afternoon. The baby arrived sleeping and slept until the check arrived. It was a nice and peaceful lunch (he woke up last time and it wasn't nearly as peaceful), but I couldn't help but wonder what was running through the kids mind after he woke up. He probably fell asleep at home in familiar surroundings only to wake up in a crowded diner with his mother motioning for the check.

I guess I'm kind of jealous. Wouldn't it be neat to just wake up in the middle of a flea market or maybe even a 7-11 once in a while? I'm sick of waking up where I go to bed. It's just not random enough for me.....

...purple monkey donkey balls.

2005-07-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

I think it's time for me to lay off of the internet and videogames for a while (even if I am about to embark on an allnight NCAA Football 2006 marathon). Despite my girlfriend saying similar things to me for the past few months, (years even), it didn't hit me until I was standing in the middle of a grocery store today with four mentally handicapped men at my side (one of whom was only moments away from knocking down a carefully assembled castle of hamburger rolls).
These weren't four random mentally retarded me either...they were MY four mentally retarded men (who I work with happily each and every weeknight). The funny thing is that one of them really looks like popeye and one of them really looks like Wimpy and the minute those rolls dropped I swear the one who looked like Wimpy got a little teary eyed (or panicky....he was the one to knock down that carefully assembled display).

Anyway, back to why I must leave the internet and all of it's jargon behind me....So there I was picking up spilled packages of hamburger rolls and trying to calm poor ol' wimpy down when I see it. A stupid plastic container full of barbecue sauce. I pass by barbecue sauce all of the time and never think anything of it, but today (and this is the truth) I thought "OMFG BBQSAUCE!!!!!!!!11111. Now a NORMAL person would see it and go, "hmm, that would be delicious on a steak or with chicken nuggets" or maybe even, "Yuck. Barbecue Sauce.", but not me....I'm thinking about how it's become a part of message board spam.

Barbecue sauce and spam? There's got to be something to that combo....

Anyway, Is there going to be a day where instead of laughing at a coworkers joke I'm just going to start shouting, "LOL! LOL!"? Am I going to welcome the screams of a newborn son by telling him to "STFU NOOB!"? Hell, I'm slightly upset when I happen to catch the mailman at the door and he doesn't respond "You've got mail." and instead just hands it to me and tells me to "have a good one". HAVE A GOOD ONE? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE MAILMAN? If I keep it up, my funeral will only be attended by crying emoticons and the excess hotmail "penis enlargement" spam.

And as far as videogames go, I've only got this. There is no need for my girlfriend to know that I beat Duke 84-7 in the second game of my Virginia Tech dynasty, but you know what? I told her none the less.

Oh, and I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.....

Like tears in the rain....

2005-07-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

Those who know me know that I used to work on a tv show for a certain music television network that is known for not playing much music at all (and the network wasn't Much Music). Anyway, right before 9/11 we were on a hiatus and right after 9/11 that hiatus turned into..well, six months of unemployment checks.

While working on the show was fun (half of my job involved wasting time and the other half involved finding something to waste time on), it wasn't fulfilling. And despite what you kids out there may think, that feeling of "accomplishing" something is important. Those six months of unemployment where I prayed for a job (I also sent out thousands of resumes), were some sad and fattening times. Have you ever spent an entire unemployment check on comic books and Mcdonalds? I have. Anyway, I'm a teacher now and it's all full of fullfillment and well.....this isn't the direction this entry was supposed to be going.

Long story short, I have few things that actually link me to working at the station. My old ID card, a basketful of preanimation drawings, and a copy of the last movie we worked on (and trust me, I busted my ass on it). The thing is I still have my old ID card, I've still got the bucketful of paper, but the movie?

Yesterday my brother confessed to taping over it with lesbian porno. Take THAT, Rutger Hauer.

First a cellphone, now this

2005-07-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

For 27 years I successfully managed to live my life without owning a cellphone and between you and me, the first three of those years went by so fast I can barely remember a thing. The next four years are pretty much a blur as well, except I can clearly remember never having to apologize for not owning a cellphone. I guess it really wasn't up until college where "not" having a cellphone made me an outcast (and to be consider an outcast at SVA is a pretty hard thing to do). Anyway, I now own a freakin cellphone and I'm now another dumb blogger.

If you are interested in killing five minutes a day reading about a 27 year old mans adventures at the gym (and his subsequent battles with ball sweat), than this is the blog for you. If you are captivated by dramatic stories involving sports videogames and fictional college football teams, this is the blog for you. And if you are mesmerized by both of those things, please tell me why. I need to know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, special thanks to helava and A_B for making their blogs a must read and unknowingly encouraging me to start my own.

Oh, and what's the deal with *insert name of upsetting politician here*?